Join us in this rollercoaster of an episode, where everyday absurdities meet headline-making dramas. We unfold a series of eyebrow-raising tales featuring Florida’s most infamous residents and their bold escapades. From high-stakes check fraud to fast-food confrontations, these stories will captivate your imagination. Plus, we delve into the heated online exchange between gymnastics star Simone Biles and swimmer Riley Gaines, exploring the implications for the future of women’s sports.
00:00:30 Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast Introduction
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SPEAKER 03 :
Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast, sponsored by Kel-Tec.
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It’s his life mission to make bad decisions. It’s time for Florida Man.
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So I think if you’re trying to pass off a bad check, maybe don’t go for a high dollar amount, like right off the bat. I don’t want to give anybody advice for breaking the law, but, you know, a Florida man got charged with trying to cash a fake $5,000 check. He’s back in court. And he also had a counterfeit state ID. And he wanted to cash this fake $5,000 check. Billy Pierre, 21 years old of Homestead, Florida. He was arraigned just a few days ago, given $200,000 bond. But yeah, they said that they immediately knew that it was a fake. I mean, first off, $5,000. I mean, you know, it’s like, I think it would be people are going to pay more attention, obviously, if it’s a higher dollar amount, right, than if it was like maybe $100. But he really wanted to go hard, man. He wanted to go all the way. A man assaulted a Chick-fil-A worker after trying to refill a cup that he brought from home. Okay, you can’t just bring a cup from home and go into a fast food restaurant and try to get free soda, free drinks. So he’s facing, but it’s a felony burglary and assault charge. He forced his way into the employee area of Chick-fil-A to fill the beverage cup that he brought from home. It was in Coral Springs. And they said the guy, Ralph Maurice Auguste of Coral Springs, he carried a cup that he had not, it was a Chick-fil-A cup, but it was an old one. And when they said, no, you can’t use that cup and try to take and throw it away, he became irate and physically abusive. He pushed the employee. And it was a woman. He pushed her and then trespassed into the restricted area and then tried to flee the scene. But, of course, they caught him. So now he’s in a lot of trouble because he was an idiot. Let’s see this. Oh, we had an impersonation. Another Florida impersonation police. You can’t do that. You can’t fake being a police officer. 59 year old Mario Allende was charged with falsely impersonating a police officer, pulling someone home. He told pulling someone over. He said he was a federal agent. And that the person’s driving, he didn’t like how that person was driving. So they were going to go to federal prison because he did not like their driving. They said that the witnesses said that he had a car with red and blue lights. He had a black FBI hat and a black wallet with a card that had the FBI insignia on it. And after the incident, the victim flagged down an officer stating that, I think I just got pulled over by a fake cop. And so they got him and they saw him at that exact intersection. And when he saw the cops, he took off his red and blue lights and tried to put them in the backseat of his car. Yeah, he got arrested totally. We have our third hour on the way. Go nowhere. We got more in store. Stick with us. Our partners, it’s a Florida company. Our friends over at Kel-Tec, the new Gen 3 Sub 2K, one of their newest innovations from the genius mind of George Kellgren. They raised the bar again. And the Sub 2K, this is the carbine that folds in half. And now it comes in 10 millimeter. innovation with a twist so it’s a folding carbine available in a variety of calibers now even more versatile with the new 10 millimeter chambering single twist and fold motion of that rotating forend it folds quickly in half optics and all and just as quickly deploys zeroed and ready to rock and when it folds down at 16 and a half inches easy storage and transport it takes glock mags you also have an internal buffer for softer recoil lighter five pound trigger pull integrated m lock you got the rails up top for accessories and it’s ideal for everything backpacking camping church security, home defense, whatever it is, and everything right here in the U.S. of A. All the parts, all the labor, all the materials made in America by Americans with American stuff. That’s Kel-Tec. Learn more at Kel-TecWeapons.com, Innovation Performance Kel-Tec, K-E-L-T-E-C-Weapons.com. Tell them Dana sent you.
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This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. That’s why you can’t take slow for an answer. And with Optimum Fiber, you won’t have to. It is the fastest, most reliable fiber internet in the New York Tri-State with 99.9% network reliability so you can stream, work, and game seamlessly. Plus, get a five-year price lock and a $400 prepaid card. Don’t take slow for an answer. Call 888-4-OPTIMUM. Visit your local Optimum store or visit Optimum.com today. Terms apply. See Optimum.com for details.
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Case in point with the cultural stuff. I want to shift gears somewhat here. I don’t know if you saw this over the weekend. So Simone Biles, who she’s I think they consider her one of the greatest gymnasts of all time, right? I think they do. Yeah. I was trying to remember who I think like of our generation, they consider her to be like one of the one of the greatest. So Simone Biles went after I’m pulling this tweet up. Riley Gaines out of like nowhere. Riley Gaines wasn’t talking to anybody. She was just making a comment about a trans athlete, a man competing as a woman. Who decided who ended up, you know, beating out all of these other women, obviously. And she went after Riley Gaines made mention of it. And then out of nowhere, Simone Biles gets gets involved, which is kind of trashy. And she went after Riley Gaines for it. And like tried to insult her. She went on a tear. It was like all weekend, wasn’t it? It’s like all weekend. She made fun of her height. She goes, bully someone your own size, which would ironically be a male. Riley Gaines is like five, four, five, five. She’s only a few inches taller than Simone Biles. Okay, so that doesn’t make sense. She retweeted and said, you’re sick, all of this campaigning because you lost a race. Straight up sore loser. You should be uplifting the trans community and perhaps finding a way to make sports inclusive or creating a new avenue where trans feel safe in sports. Maybe a transgender category in all sports, but instead you bully them. One thing is for sure, no one in sports is safe with you around. Simone Biles is a thug. This is thug behavior. Shame on you. She’s a fake feminist. She’s somebody who, and she seems like a handful, like she seems like a diva and she constantly complains. And she was always like, I’m bullied, mental health, blah, blah, blah. She didn’t want to do press. You know, you’re an Olympian, whatever. She has a silver spoon. She’s wanted for nothing in life. She’s had a completely, you know, fairytale existence. And she’s mad because Riley Gaines, Riley Gaines was robbed of a spot on the podium by a man who is bigger than her, has greater muscle strength than she does, is faster, who went through puberty as a man who competed in swimming as a man until when until like, you know, just a few years ago. So, yeah, she would have been tops in her category were it not for the man that knocked her down a peg. And if Simone Biles had to compete against a male gymnast, guess what? Simone Biles is going to lose. But there I honestly feel like there are some women. who advocate for the trans stuff, like Simone Biles, who see younger talent coming up after them. And I feel like they don’t want their crown to get tarnished or they don’t want to be outshined by younger talent. So they’re trying to pull that ladder up. They don’t want other women to actually be able to share their space. So they’re trying to force them to compete with men to make that not possible. I honestly think that’s a motivation, one of the motivations here. Does that make sense? That’s how women think. Women are weird.
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Yeah, I don’t get that.
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Yeah, women can be catty. Like a lot of women, especially if they’re on the left, they really believe in the scarcity of opportunity. Although some on the right believe that. I mean, there’s stories out there. But they believe in the scarcity of opportunity. And I really get the sense that Simone Biles is just like, I don’t want anyone else to outshine me ever. So we need to have men integrated in women’s sports now. Because that way then it’s all men and she doesn’t have to ever share the title with another female. She doesn’t ever have to compete with another female for sports endorse or for endorsements. Right. She doesn’t have to worry about all of that. She can mean she can keep, you know, this title of being one of the greats so long as no one comes up underneath her to outshine her. Honestly, I really feel like that’s what a lot of it is. A lot of these women are too insecure and they don’t have the confidence. And I feel like they don’t really want to maintain what they have anymore. So they just want to keep other women from coming up. That makes sense if you think about it. And given the way that her personality seems, I totally buy that. And that’s sad, right? That’s sad that there are some women out there who are so threatened and who are so weak that they feel like they’re going to be diminished because younger talent comes up. It’s like you can’t just revel in the fact that you helped pave the way and you helped make this happen and you helped elevate women’s sports. You feel like you’ve got to gatekeep by taking that letter away and preventing other women from ascending also. That’s anti-woman. And they lie to themselves and they pretend that it’s actually pro-trans when they’re using trans as a tool to gatekeep and keep others from outshining them. You see how that works? They pretend to be trans adjacent, but they’re really not. They’re using it as a tool to protect and gatekeep so that they don’t have to give up an endorsement or lose anything on their own. Interesting. We’re on to you. As we move, our partners that help bring you the program, it’s our friends over at All Family Pharmacy. They make it so easy to get the medications that you need. No gatekeeping by Big Pharma, no gatekeeping from the government as well. And there was an executive order signed on May 12th to lower prescription costs so we can stop paying more than other countries. And you deserve medicines for fair prices without totally egregious markups. And All Family Pharmacy is offering a summer sale right now, 20% off of your entire order. And that’s going to give you a little extra breathing room. And their prices are already affordable. First off, right now through June, they’re offering 20% off site-wide. No insurance is required. I mean, they have licensed doctors in all 50 states. You get fast shipping right to your door. You can get your stuff in as little as two to three days online. If you’re in a pinch, which I’ve absolutely done that, and they have come in clutch. And you can get everything that you need. Your day-to-day medications, antibiotics, ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, everything. Visit allfamilypharmacy.com slash Dana and enjoy 20% off using promo code Dana20. Do not wait for permission to protect yourself and your family. That’s allfamilypharmacy.com slash Dana. Coupon code Dana20 to save 20%.
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This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. Picture this. You’re on an important virtual interview answering that make or break question and suddenly your screen freezes. Not the impression you want. Good internet has never been more important. I’m constantly doing podcast interviews, video calls, and important work on my computer. So I have to have a solid connection. That’s why you can’t take slow for an answer. And with Optimum Fiber, you won’t have to. It is the fastest, most reliable fiber internet in the New York Tri-State with 99.9% network reliability so you can stream, work, and game seamlessly. Plus, get a five-year price lock and a $400 prepaid card. Don’t take slow for an answer. Call 888-4-OPTIMUM. Visit your local Optimum store or visit Optimum.com today. Terms apply. See Optimum.com for details.
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And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It’s time for Dana’s Quick Five.
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Today in sports ball, Aaron Rodgers has confirmed Pittsburgh Steelers’ move in a $20 million contract announcement. I think I’m going to play football. Because you can make a lot of millions of dollars with football. And imagine it. I could play football. Know nothing about it. Just want my uniform to be cute. And I want, like, really good leather for my football. I can do anything, girl. I can do anything. If a man can tuck and say he’s a chick, then surely I can do this. He was let go by the Jets at the end of last season. He was considered in retirement. How old is he? How old is Aaron Rodgers?
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41.
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Oh. So, now he’s not. He’s going to the Steelers. So, I guess. Is that considered old for football or no? 41, yeah. Oh, is it? Well, Tom Brady’s like in his 40s. That’s Tom Brady, though. Okay, yeah. I don’t know. Um… Oh my gosh, no. Why are we doing this? Madonna is apparently going to release, I don’t care, a new Ray of Light remix album. Oh boy. Ray of Light. Oh my gosh. Too rare. Uh-oh. Doomsday Fish. So these Doomsday Fish, whenever they wash to shore, they’re called oarfish. It’s supposed to be like a sign of something bad happening and it’s linked to natural disasters. They look like fake things. They don’t even look real. But they had two separate incidents, one in India and one in Tasmania, where they washed up on the beaches and everybody’s like, oh, my gosh, it’s a harbinger of disaster. They are crazy looking silvery fish and they kind of look like wild sea serpents. They’re huge. But when they they’re from the deep and when they wash up on the shore, it means bad. I don’t know. Is it mean like was there some kind of underground disturbance? Is a kaiju going to come out? Trump and Musk are fighting. That’s why the oarfish are floating to shore. So manga had predicted a great disaster in July 2025. So this is, you know, Japanese graphic novels, manga, and they have different genres. Some of them are for kids. Some of them are like adult graphic novels. But apparently this guy’s called Japan’s answer to Nostradamus says a bad thing is going to happen on July 5th. Maybe it’s a mega quake or a fight. Stick with us. Now, Greta Thunberg was on her selfie flotilla. audio somebody thirty-two she was uh… intercepted and apparently a lot of the so-called aid that they were going to deliver to gaza they actually consumed themselves according to reports listen to this how did you thirty-two my name is gita timber and i am from sweden if you see this video we have been intercepted and kidnapped in international waters by the israeli occupational forces or forces that support israel
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I urge all my friends, family and comrades to put pressure on the Swedish government to release me and the others as soon as possible.
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She’s 22 years old. She is a grown adult woman and people still like coddle her like she’s a 10 year old. I mean, I blame her parents for this. Honestly, she’s like, we’ve been kidnapped. Guess what? When you try to, hey, put it like this. We’re on a flotilla. We’re on a bunch of unicorn rafts and we’re, Kane, we’re going, we’re going to illegally enter Cabo. How well do you think that’s going to go?
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Yeah, we’ll probably get shot.
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Well, I mean, you’d be intercepted for sure.
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Oh, no doubt.
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When you’re taken into custody after trying to illegally enter a specific area, especially if it’s in a war zone, are you being kidnapped or is that just a consequence of you being a dip redacted?
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It’s that last part you said there.
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That’s what I think. That’s what I think. So she was on her selfie flotilla. And apparently that’s like all they were doing. They were taking a bunch of, I don’t know, what was their purpose? They thought they were trying to deliver aid. Apparently they had two tons of aid. Israel is the only nation on earth that’s expected to give aid to the people trying to murder it. explain that one to me remember this anytime another see this is why i’m like you know you have countries like ukraine and everyone else like wait a minute oh now we’re supposed to care what’s different now we’re supposed oh you’re oh oh you’re being targeted oh but it’s we’re what’s the situational difference here they were on their selfie yacht and uh apparently they’re also now going to be forced to watch all of the video footage from october 7th I think that’s genius. And I think that they should. They all showed up, these little activists with their little picnic blankets on. And they had 12 activists and an Irish actor. I don’t know who this Irish actor is. And they were intercepted by the IDF. And the IDF was like very, you know, they brought them to shore. They brought them to Israel. And I… I think it would be very bad for them. I think that they think that they want to go to Gaza. And then when they get to Gaza, what they think and then what the reality is are probably two very different things came. Yeah. But they pretended that everybody knew where they were the whole time. These people are such drama queens. They were like, oh, the seas are rough. They weren’t. Oh, we lost radio contact. Everybody knew where they were. But they were still able to take photos of themselves and, like, upload it to the Internet. I don’t get it. And then the IDF, they boarded and they fed them. They gave them sandwiches. Jeez. They did all this stuff for them. These brats, these absolute brats. It’s so embarrassing. That is so embarrassing for these activists. And so now they their Freedom Flotilla was detained and they’re all going to be deported back to their home countries. And they’re forced to watch Hamas’s video footage of the October 7th terror atrocities, the genocide. And they I mean, it was, you know, they called it the selfie. And they are their celebrity activists. They said that any of the remaining aid that the celebrities didn’t consume, because they apparently ate through a lot of it, because they had a little party. I’m not kidding. Apparently they ate through a lot of it. How embarrassing for you. They said that they would actually distribute it through their actual humanitarian channels. That’s so there’s a picture of Greta Thunberg of their they’re handing her a sandwich. Oh, my gosh. She looks like she’s well fed. I don’t think that they need to worry. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just saying she doesn’t look like she’s, you know, starving. Like what? She doesn’t look like the prisoners that Hamas kept. She doesn’t look like the Israeli prisoners that Hamas had in custody for over a year. I mean, it’s so cringe. It’s so cringe.
SPEAKER 03 :
Thanks for tuning in to today’s edition of Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven’t already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
SPEAKER 05 :
This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. That’s why you can’t take slow for an answer. And with Optimum Fiber, you won’t have to. It is the fastest, most reliable fiber internet in the New York Tri-State with 99.9% network reliability so you can stream, work, and game seamlessly. Plus, get a five-year price lock and a $400 prepaid card. Don’t take slow for an answer. Call 888-4-OPTIMUM. Visit your local Optimum store or visit Optimum.com today. Terms apply. See Optimum.com for details.
Absurd Truth: South Park Goes After Trump AGAIN.