Angie Austin also converses with author Katie Millar-Wierig about the complexities of parenting, particularly with teenagers. The discussion focuses on finding the balance between supporting your children and allowing them the independence to solve their own issues. Katie shares her personal experiences and professional insights into how parents can positively influence their children’s growth without overwhelming them.
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SPEAKER 01 :
Welcome to The Good News with Angie Austin. Now with The Good News, here’s Angie.
SPEAKER 04 :
Hey, friend. Angie Austin here with the good news along with Jim Stovall. We’re talking about his Winners of Wisdom column as we do weekly. And today we’re talking about the gift of working. Hey, Jim.
SPEAKER 03 :
Hey, it is always good to be back with you.
SPEAKER 04 :
I’m giggling a little bit about this because, you know, I sent you last week, we talked about quiet quitting, which is just like not doing your job. And then I sent you something about like the lazy girl job or lazy girl worker. What was it called? It was something funny like that. I mean, not funny, ridiculous, like someone teaching people how to not do their job but still get paid. Right.
SPEAKER 03 :
And I always wonder with people like that. You know, did you bring up your thoughts regarding this during your job interview? I’m thinking this was not a part of your hiring process. I really it just is amazing to me. As Mark Twain said, we’ve got a generation of people that’s looking for work and they quit looking for work as soon as they get a job. Now they’re just trying to get out of work, you know, and it’s just it’s a sad situation.
SPEAKER 04 :
Oh, I know what it was, Jim. I found it because I was like, what was the title that I sent Jim? What is a lazy girl job? And it was just explaining how you can get these 60 to 80 grand a year jobs that you don’t have to do much work. Or you can slack off and people won’t know. And you know what they tell you? I was talking to my brother who was visiting… And he went to West Point Military Academy. He’s basically a genius. And he is an engineer. And he was working for a huge military defense company for many years. And he just quit recently. And he’s going to be like a teaching assistant for a math class for like high school kids. And he’s going to make, get this, $17 an hour. Now, granted, he’s getting up towards retirement age. And he was making money. over six figures at his job. And I said, why did you quit? You’d only been back in that particular position that he’d wanted back for like a year. And he’d been with the company a long time though. And he said, because to be honest with you, I felt like many days I was trying to make work. I was working remotely and I felt like I many days had to figure out how to do some work or seem busy because I didn’t have enough to do. And it was just part of not being in the office. He said when I was in the office, when he was in Boston, they would actually come to his office because he knew that he could solve problems and fix things and figure out why something wasn’t working. So he had a lot of work through people coming to him saying, oh, I know you could figure this out. Can you help me with this? Would you help me with this? So anyway, he said, I just couldn’t rationalize taking a paycheck when I really didn’t have enough to do. I was like, how many people are that ethical?
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, but I mean, wow, I get it. I mean, if you’re going to go to work all day or go to a job all day. I can think of nothing worse than not having enough to do. I mean, to me, the great thing about the gift of work, which is what we’re talking about this week, is, you know, you come, you make a difference, you make a contribution, you change other people’s lives. And at the end of the day, you can look back and say, see, I did all these things. And, you know, we have a tendency to look at work as some drudgery or whatever. And, you know, if people feel that way, It’s time to upgrade your skills or start looking for another position, but you still need to do the one you’re doing to the best of your ability. I am always amazed. when you study people in prison. And the number one thing people in prison want is a job. And these are not prestige jobs. This is working in the kitchen, working in the laundry, working in the lawn. And they want that because it is better than sitting around doing nothing. That’s what a lot of wealthy people found out. And my friend Steve Forbes may have said it best. He said, you can’t do nothing. Nothing is the hardest work you’ll ever do, to just sit around and do nothing. And you’ve got to look back at the end of the day, the week, the month, or at the end of your life and say, this is what I did. People that would never think of stealing, they wouldn’t take a stapler or a ream of paper or a chair from their office. They wouldn’t steal that. Well, they’ll steal many thousands of times that value by just not doing their job. And they don’t look at it as stealing.
SPEAKER 04 :
Well, in The Gift of Working, you talk about how many of us, how many people consider work boring, mundane, and drudgery. And I think that at some point, and you mentioned this too, at some point in all of our lives, we might have had a job that fits that description. But I get the impression from you, and you’re saying in the article, that work can be the most fulfilling part of our lives.
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, and we all have those jobs when we first start out. And, you know, that’s what should motivate us to move ahead and get a job that we’re well fulfilled and make a difference. But I still find people, you know, one of my favorite guys in the world is a waiter that has, you know, waited on me for 30 years. And he’s the world’s greatest waiter. And I go to my, you know, he knows my table. He knows this. And I know I have offered him a chance several times to have his own restaurant. And I know other people have. And he said, no, I love being a great waiter. And frankly, he makes a lot of money and he loves it. And he just loves serving other people. And, you know, and I, I had a lawn guy that was like that. And I, you know, I, for years, I’ve had a guy that’s driven me out when I’m out in Southern California and I’ve been with him for 20, 25 years. And, and, and he just loves taking care of people. And, you know, there’s a big difference. I mean, it really, really matters. And, uh, wow, it makes a difference. And when you realize it’s not about you, who can I serve? How can I make this better? What can I do? That’s a gift in life, and the work is a gift. And if you don’t feel that way about it, you need to go somewhere where you do, because you’re missing out on one of the truly great things in life.
SPEAKER 04 :
You know, I think about my UPS gal. She’s like that. Like if she has a shipment of my daughter’s medication that has to be refrigerated and like we’re not home and it needs a signature, she will send me a text because we’ve texted over, you know, the years. And I always give her a Christmas present. And I’ve given her like my kids, you know, leftover bikes, which reminds me I’ve got another one to give her because she has a bunch of kids. Yeah. Anyway, she she she is. I mean, come on. Who comes back to the neighborhood to bring or says, I’ll meet you at this corner so you can get your daughter’s medication? I mean, like brings tears to my eyes how considerate she is. And now many people are like that or like my doctor that I’ve gone to for 20 some odd years in his right hand gal, Jen. Like, I don’t know what I’m going to do when they retire. It’s like I get the best. My entire family gets the best medical care. I mean, he took on all my kids, even though he’s not a pediatrician. You know what I mean? Like. to get the kind of care where I can text her right now and say, anyway, you can get me in because my son has a this or a that or my daughter and she’ll text me back and say, can you be here today at five or whatever? I mean, it’s just like unbelievable to people that go the extra mile in their work that make you feel like also so special. They make people like that waiter. I mean, like, is that like, I’m just curious, is that like your normal cafe you go to or a fancy restaurant or how do you go to him so often?
SPEAKER 03 :
It is a fine dining, sit-down restaurant that I have frequented, you know, once or twice a week for years. And, you know, he knows me and, you know, knows what it’s like as a blind person, you know, what I need, what I don’t. And he’s got my table ready and everything. you know everything is a you exactly the way I needed to be and he just takes so much pride in that and I wrote about him in one of my books in the in my Jacob Dyer mystery series he shows up a couple times in the you know and I just in you know it’s just exciting it and like the UPS driver you’re talking about the people the doctor’s office these are people that live out two great pieces a wisdom coach Wooden’s admonition what would you do right now if you were amazing and number two Treat other people the way you’d like to get treated. And, I mean, if you can do that, you know, I’m sure someone that will come and meet you with your daughter’s medication, that’s what you would want to do. And I’m sure they see it the same way. I mean, as opposed to some other driver that would just leave it in the hot truck or throw it up there on the porch somewhere and maybe it gets lost or maybe it doesn’t. And, you know, I mean, someone that just cares and goes…
SPEAKER 04 :
a little bit more an extra mile and i am sure these people enjoy their job much more and you know it’s just part of having a great life you know time and time again you know you talk a lot about your late great friend john woodman i use a lot of those quotes and i remember when you and i first did an interview was one of the first you know i mean ages ago maybe eight nine years i don’t know 10 years um you said that to me what would you do right now if you’re amazing and I pass a lot of these things on to my kids. And as I’m looking at, they like TikTok, which I don’t do, but I do Instagram, which I think is very similar. And so many times amazing athletes say things like, look, I’m not necessarily extraordinary. what I’ve done with the gifts God gave me is extraordinary. Going that extra mile, you know, I remember Kobe Bryant saying, like, you could go to the gym, you know, five to seven and work out, maybe, you know, five to seven again in the afternoon. He’s like, but what if… you went four to six and 12 to two and three to five and seven to nine or whatever. He was explaining the resting in between. He goes, that’s double the training. That’s double the everything. And so many of these athletes, I remember one, and he’s an older athlete. I’ll get the name for you by next week. But in the clip, he said, look, in my junior year of college, he said, no one was interested in me. And I told my coach, I want to play pro ball. My coach was like, Well, you know, you know, I love you. He’s like, he loved me. You know, he just was going to be honest, like the effort you’re putting in is not going to get you into college. And it’s not I mean, it’s not going to get you a professional career. And whatever it was that next year, he was one of the top people on the basketball court in the country. And so just within that year, taking his coach’s advice to be like the best, and I’m going to send you the clip because to me it was like mind-blowing. How do you go from nothing, like no interest, to all this interest in a year? How does that happen?
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, it’s just a matter of pursuing excellence and doing everything right. As if you weren’t amazing. I’m a big St. Louis Cardinals fan, and when Albert Pujols, the soon-to-be Hall of Famer, was playing there, I had a friend that drove up to see him. And he said, I guess he’s just the most gifted guy of our era. And I said, there’s no question. But do yourself a favor. Get there three hours early and see who shows up first for batting practice and who takes the most swings of batting practice. And then watch him every time he’s up. And if he hits a ground ball, when most people would jog or just make some motion toward first base, watch him run full speed to first base. And, you know, it only pays off once or twice a year when the guy drops the ball or there’s some kind of mishandling of it. But he gets on base. And, I mean, these are like a million little things. He’s not 100% better than everybody else. He doesn’t do anything 100% better. He does 100 things 1% better than everybody else. And that’s where you get that greatness from. And to those people, working is a gift.
SPEAKER 04 :
And you talk, too, in the article about people who are wealthy, who continue to do things. I was just reading something today about a police officer who couldn’t do his particular job anymore, and he and his wife decided to sell their home and be RV camp worker people, where you work the camp, which… isn’t tremendous money but it’s enough for them to travel on and you know travel the world in their rv and they’ll stay like a yellowstone for like four months and then i saw what she posted of what they saw you know with the baby buffalo and the elk and the bears you know they’d be you know peeking over their campground the baby bears and i was like you can’t put a price on that and i’ll never forget we only have a minute left but one of your articles talked about a baseball player who like took a day off and then wasn’t his replacement lou gehrig
SPEAKER 03 :
so he never started again he never played again lou garrick played longer than anybody ever did and he never got to come back and uh you know and it’s uh you know and it’s funny because whenever i start talking about that people say what was his name and i said i don’t remember that makes the point he disappeared from history that day and uh you know you never take a day off and um And I think that’s what drove Lou Gehrig for the next 3,000 games or whatever it was he played. You know, you take a day off and somebody’s waiting. I mean, there’s a big line out in front of the stadium, people that want to play baseball. It’s just looking at what you get to do. Every time we start to make a movie and we’re getting ready to do our ninth as soon as this strike gets over, I always have a dinner the night before with all the actors, the crew, and everybody. And, you know, several hundred people. And, you know, I say have fun, relax. This is, you know, before we start work tomorrow. But one thing I want you to keep in mind in the next coming weeks and months as we make this movie, we all get to do something right here. that everybody wishes they could do. We all grew up playing make-believe and, you know, living out these stories and whatever, and we get to do it. And, you know, approach it that way. And the other thing is, someday, you know, 100 years from now, when we’re all gone, somebody’s grandmother… you know, is going to have left this behind, and the grandchildren or the great-grandchildren are going to watch this movie, and this part of you is going to live forever. And let’s act like that, and let’s go have a good time. I mean, we get to play make-believe.
SPEAKER 04 :
Today’s the day, jimstovall.com. Thank you, Jim.
SPEAKER 03 :
Thank you.
SPEAKER 02 :
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SPEAKER 04 :
Angie Austin here with the good news, along with our friend, author Katie Millar-Wierig. Her book, Becoming a Mean Teen Parenting Machine, a step-by-step guide to transform your relationship with your teenager. And since I’ve got three of them and she’s got plenty of kids as well, we have a lot in common. Welcome back, Katie.
SPEAKER 05 :
Oh, thank you. I’m so happy to be back.
SPEAKER 04 :
All right, you and I were discussing in the break just being a good example to our kids that in sports we run into some poor examples for kids, even parents who get into repeated issues where they’re repeatedly kicked out of games, et cetera, in tournaments. Even my daughter’s basketball team in particular, we see this. But you also mentioned that there is this desire, and I think this is very timely for you to say to me and hopefully some of you listening about – Holding back on that urge to get involved and try to, quote-unquote, I’m using air quotes here, solve our kids’ problems, because my experience is I’ve pretty much always made it worse. The two times that I distinctly remember trying to get involved.
SPEAKER 06 :
Absolutely. And here, as we were talking, it made me think of, of why we as parents over-involve ourselves anyway. So let’s talk specifically sports. So a parent who becomes very involved in the game, becomes emotional, and then gets in the car with the child and feels the need to berate the child or say, you’ve got to do it differently, you’ve got to do this, instead of simply asking the child, did you have a good time? What were your goals? Did you achieve your goals? Not my goals as mom, but did you achieve your goals as an individual? And where this stems from is our own insecurity as parents. And I don’t think we see it as a reflection on ourselves when that’s essentially what it is. What I’ve found is that the parents who have had experiences in their life that have made them, helped them to fulfill that aspect of their life. Let’s say, so for instance, I was, as we talked about in prior ones, I was Miss Utah on a top 10 contestant at Miss America. And I found that when my daughters would do things that would kind of go within that realm, I was totally laid back. And I was like, it’s fine. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I know what can be gained from it. I want you to have your own independent experience because it really doesn’t matter to me Whether you go all the way or you go, you know, you don’t choose to do it at all. Conversely, I always wanted to be a vocalist. And I had this desire to be a really good singer. But I found myself when my daughter… was taking voice lessons and really developing this talent. I was like frantic, like you cannot quit. You cannot stop. You have to do this. And I was pushing her and I was eventually projecting my goals that were unfulfilled onto her.
SPEAKER 04 :
Oh, wow.
SPEAKER 06 :
That it stressed her out. So when we look at these parents who are getting involved in sports, I bet if we asked ourselves or these parents say, did you have a fulfilling sports career? And the parent might say, no, I tore my ACL, you know, and I never got to go all the way that I wanted to, or I never, my parents couldn’t afford to put me in sports or something like that. And so the parent is projecting their own personal goals onto the game and onto their child. And so if you find that you are almost frantic towards your child’s extracurriculars and their development, their grades or this or that, it’s this feeling of, I didn’t get into Harvard, but you can. You can fulfill that for both of us. And that is very unhealthy for the child because it takes away their desire and the reasons why they’re doing it. They’re now doing it for mom. They’re doing it for dad. Instead of you looking at your child and saying, what’s your goal with basketball? What’s your goal with volleyball? What’s your goal with music? And they say, I just want to have fun. And you say, that’s okay. I can support fun. If they say, I want to go to a Division I school and want to do this, you can say, I can support that too because this is independently yours to own, and it is not ours. It is yours because in the end, your child will be the only one on the court. Your child will be the only one there experiencing these things, and us as parents will be on the sideline, and we need to recognize that that is our role now. And it’s okay to step back, and it’s okay to allow them to have that experience on their terms and not our terms.
SPEAKER 04 :
Why do we get so nutty? I just realized as you’re talking, my husband, who’s 6’6″, is a very good basketball player, but he was shorter, and a lot of these dads were kind of buddies when he was trying out for, I think it was maybe the 9th, 8th, or 9th grade team. He was in a private Catholic school. Anyway, to make a long story short, they didn’t pick him that year. They picked some of their friends or the assistant coaches’ kids, or this, that, and the other. So then the coach sees my husband like you know 10th 11th 12th grade senior year being you know well over six feet and says why aren’t you on our team and he said well you cut me and you know a lot of people know the story I believe it’s Michael Jordan who was cut off his team and you know obviously you know he’s one of the greatest ever and I think it was Michael and so I That’s a lesson in our family that we’ve talked about over and over again about not giving up. Like my son was cut from the baseball team and he tried out again. Like we don’t let like embarrassment or humiliation or our ego get in the way of continuing to try for something. And I know the coach really admired him and it gets pretty competitive. And when you’re in a school of 3000 kids, the senior year when there’s like, 10 or 12 kids on a team, and they’ve got some of the really amazing freshmen and sophomores and juniors on the team, they might only have four seniors on the team. So it really starts getting more and more competitive out of a school that big. It’s like a college to get onto a team. So he tried again, and I know the coach admired him for going through all the winter training and months of training, and he didn’t make it again. But he didn’t care, then he went out for volleyball, and he played all season on JV Volleyball. So we’ve just really taught them to not give up. But I do really think that what you’re saying does really resonate with me and that my husband says to me when I’m not as upset at a game as he gets when he grades Faith in the car on her basketball performance and it’s like an A through or whatever. And to get an A from him is very difficult. You have to have a really amazing game. So she gets a lot of B pluses and A minuses. She’s completely irritated. And so he says to me when I’m like, why can’t we just cheer him on? Why can’t we just like encourage him? Like, why can’t we just clap, you know, and say, wow, you really put some effort in there. And if you do want to criticize like her defense, can you give her like five or six compliments on what she did do right before you give her that, you know, knife in the back? About the defense or whatever it is you want to tell her about her shooting or whatever. But he’s like, well, she already knows what she did right. I just need to tell her what we should do wrong. I’m like, no, that’s not the case, because that’s really detrimental to her self-esteem, which she said these parents that have been yelling things from the sidelines about who she should pass to and this, that and the other, that that’s affecting her right now. She’s like, I just got my confidence back, mom. And then these parents are yelling things at me. And I’m like, they’re irrelevant to your game. These parents that don’t, half of them have never even played, you know, that think that they’re experts from the sidelines. But my husband then said to me, you’re not invested like I am. I’m the one that takes them to the gym. I’m the one that lifts with them. I’m the one that does the cardio and the stair stepper with them. And I’m the one that gets up at 6 a.m. and goes to the basketball court every weekend so we can get in before the crowd so that She can do, you know, 200 three pointer shots or whatever every Saturday and every Sunday. And I’m the one helping out with coaching. So you’re not invested like I am. And that’s why I’m more critical than you are. And I’m thinking he’s invested in yet another way that you just mentioned that he stopped playing when he probably could have gotten a college scholarship. He’s very athletic.
SPEAKER 06 :
Well, and what we feel, and it’s hard because, you know, today we’re talking mostly about like the parents, not necessarily what we’re doing for our kids, but having to take a look in the mirror and saying, ooh, am I maybe handling this a little unhealthily? All of these things that we’re doing are coming from a place of love. And it’s coming from us wanting to protect our children from something that we might have experienced that we haven’t fully healed from. And so what we need to ask ourselves is, is there something that I haven’t come to grips with? So maybe we had a self-esteem issue with sports and rather than heal from that and look back and say, wow, look how good it made me for this and this and this and see the good in it. We still feel like we need to write that wrong. And so we’re writing it through our children. But in the process of doing that, sometimes we continue to create the problem. So with these like sports per se, We need to make sure that we look at it as what is the growth that’s happening for my child? Not necessarily the result, but what’s the growth and what do they need out of this? And often it is us hindering that growth because we are trying to overprotect them. from having these important life experiences that are going to make them better. I mean, could you imagine if, I mean, we have this wonderful story about Michael Jordan getting up and doing that again, but if his dad went in and, you know, offered some money or offered some stuff or did some things to get him back on the team or do whatever he needs to do, does Michael Jordan have that confidence that said, I earned this, I am here, I can do this on my own merit, or is it Daddy rescued me, and I still don’t know if I deserve to be here. And so when we allow our kids, and that’s one of the worries about parents even yelling on the sidelines, that takes away the confidence of the kid when they had a good decision that they made or a good play. The parent might say, see, I told you so. Do it my way. And in saying that, just to absolve ourselves, it also makes the child feel like I’m not capable of making the decisions. It still hurts their confidence in their own self. And they believe that, well, I’m only good because someone else has told me how to be good instead of feeling like I’ve earned this position. I am good. I can trust my intuition on the court. I can trust my intuition in school and in life because I’ve made these decisions. I’ve seen the consequences and this is what I want. And so especially as we talk about teenagers, it’s just so important that we recognize that this is the goal of the teenage years. And as a parent, what we want is our child to be well-adjusted. We want them to have confidence. We want them to go into their adult life feeling like a million bucks. But often we undermine that without realizing we’re doing it by becoming too involved in their success and their failures and wanting to fix every failure and wanting to take credit for every success. And in so doing, we take away that confidence in themselves that they are able to achieve their goals, and that’s an important word, their goals on their terms. And we are essentially there for support, cheerleading, funding if needed, and, you know, driving and all these things. But in the end, it is their goal and their life, and they get to dictate how that works. I mean, not as a 13-year-old, but that’s the goal is to get them to that point where they can be independent.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, and I think that we also were talking about parents’ interference in their issues and that part of what’s going on right now, the way you explained it to me, is that they’re not trying to be disrespectful. They’re trying to become independent because within the next few years, they will need to be. And so we need to allow them to solve their issues. And I did have a mom that wanted to get in the middle of an issue. And she got really upset with me because I said, you know, I’ve tried this in the past and it didn’t work. I know the girls will work it out. So then she and I became not friends. And guess what? The girls worked it out and they’re like really good friends. So then I’m, of course, running into the mom all over the place. And so I just had to do the olive branch because I thought, well, she must feel so uncomfortable because she was upset that I didn’t want to get in the middle of all of this. And she thought I wasn’t being helpful when really I knew they’d make up. They like too many of the same things and have known each other way too long and are both so good at what they do. That I knew they’d be friends again. And now they’re really good friends. So when I bumped into the mom, I thought, well, I have to figure out how to make this right. Because she obviously feels extremely uncomfortable around me. She wouldn’t even look at me. And I always really liked her. So I thought, well, I’ve got to fix this. Because these kids have four more years of school together and playing on teams together. So I did. And we’re fine again. But I just… It’s such a slippery slope. I know she meant well, but I have not had success in that arena. And both of our kids are extremely smart, too. They’re like honor students. So I thought they could do a better job of fixing it than we could.
SPEAKER 06 :
Well, and if the goal as a parent is to build confidence and independence in your teenager, then we have to allow them the space to be able to do that. And the confidence that your daughter built in repairing a relationship knows that when something else happens like that in the future, she has the skills and the confidence to know, I can manage this and I can navigate it. And one of the best things I’ve heard of parenting, I’ll have to bring up the person who said, I can’t remember. But he said, we want our children to actually want us and not need us. If you don’t want your 30-year-old kid to need you, you want them to want to talk to you because they enjoy talking to mom because they need this, not because they need you and they can’t function without you. And if we’ve created a dependency on ourselves where our children need us for the rest of their lives, then we haven’t done our job.
SPEAKER 04 :
Oh, you’re right. That is such great advice. Katie, give us your website.
SPEAKER 06 :
Yes, it is. You can see me at Instagram at The Balanced Mind Project or visit us at anxietyhealingprogram.com.
SPEAKER 04 :
Always the best advice, my friend. Thank you. God bless.
SPEAKER 06 :
Thank you. See you guys soon.
SPEAKER 01 :
Thank you for listening to The Good News with Angie Austin on AM670 KLTT.
Angie Austin also converses with author Katie Millar-Wierig about the complexities of parenting, particularly with teenagers. The discussion focuses on finding the balance between supporting your children and allowing them the independence to solve their own issues. Katie shares her personal experiences and professional insights into how parents can positively influence their children’s growth without overwhelming them.
