In this episode of Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast, we delve into the baffling world of the ‘Florida Man’ with stories that range from the bizarre to the hilarious. Explore how one man ended up in legal trouble for an unpaid lap dance and another’s SUV misadventures. Dana takes you through these wild tales with her signature humor and insight, questioning societal norms and our collective fascination with the absurd.
This is Nikki Glaser from the Nikki Glaser podcast. On a more serious note, I’m still thinking about that commercial with Tom Brady and Snoop Dogg hating on each other. Because when you listen to the reasons for hating someone or something, you realize just how stupid they really are. There is too much hate in this country and it’s got to stop. So join us at iHeart in standing up to it. If you see hate, speak up, call it out. And you can learn more by following at What’s Up With Hate.
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Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast, sponsored by Kel-Tec.
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It’s his life mission to make bad decisions. It’s time for Florida Man.
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I kind of want to have this explained to me, and I don’t want to have it explained to me. I don’t understand how you steal a lap dance. So a Florida man was arrested for doing just that at a strip club. They called him a broke punter accused of stealing $160 worth of lap dances from a strip club. So he failed to produce the money to pay for them. Don’t you pay first for stuff like that?
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You’re supposed to, I thought.
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The 39-year-old John Elberson was arrested at his home at 1 in the morning, 10 minutes after he fled the club. He went to the Rain Ladies and Gentlemen’s Club. And he had some lap dances that he just did not want to pay for. And they arrested him. So that’s, I guess, stealing. So it’s like, yeah, I mean, I guess it’s like you’re running out of a store without pay. I just think for things like that. Me pay in advance. You know what I’m saying? You just. It’s not my fault that they – I don’t know. Just saying. Just saying. Let’s see here. This – pull this up. This has to do with a Florida man who was arrested for driving an SUV into a crowd of anti-Tesla protesters. See, it’s all fun and games until somebody gets run over. Yeah. Was he in a Tesla? It said SUV. Don’t they make SUVs too? Tesla SUVs? They do. Okay, so is that… I’m just wondering.
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I think the Cybertruck is considered an SUV, right?
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I mean, maybe. I don’t know. So this guy, he… He was charged with aggravated assault. It was in Palm Beach County over the weekend. The driver was charged. Oh, it was a Nissan Pathfinder. He mounted his black Nissan Pathfinder onto a sidewalk and advanced. Okay, so if they’re on the sidewalk, maybe you stay on the road. I don’t mind people on the sidewalk. I don’t care when they get into the road is the problem. One of the but you know what? Also, I really don’t take seriously the protestations from anybody who’s a part of the whole firebomb Tesla movement. Right. So that you guys wanted this. You wanted to escalate it. So now you got what you wanted. And, you know, just saying this is what happens when you don’t. when you are encouraging vandalism and assault and like arson, like what this movement has been doing, one of the guys, they always act like they’re senior citizens everywhere. He goes, he drove into a crowd of senior citizens. I seriously doubt it. He said, two older women were almost clipped. We immediately called the cops. And so the guy was arrested. He was charged with assault. But yeah, that’s what, yeah, I can’t go ahead and say that’s what.
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That’s exactly what happens when you let emotions drive all of your decisions.
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I don’t know why anybody would act shocked that something like this would happen. I mean, they want something like this to happen. That’s what these people have been trying to… I told you, and then they’re going to scream injustice. I said it. I told you. Also, there was a… I don’t know. There was a fire at Disney World. Do we care? Not really. Yeah, it was at Epcot at the park. I don’t care. It was at the France Pavilion. Really don’t care. I don’t care. There was a fire at a theme park. Okay. I am just my forgive me if I don’t feel super excited or sad or caring about that. Let’s see. There’s a Florida man coloring book as well. There was a Florida man who please let this be a different guy. I don’t know how many times this. Oh, no, no, it’s not. It’s not going to be a different guy because. Oh, no, this one’s older with a hamster wheel guys back. He’s trying to rebuild his hamster wheel. One Florida man became upset about music during karaoke night. and got into it with another patron. It was law enforcement said Aaron Jablonski, of course, really, Jablonski, 34 years old, aggravated assault and fell in possession of a firearm, Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office. He was aggrieved about the choice of karaoke music at the Overtime Sports Bar. He became upset. What song? How are you doing this article and you’re not telling us what song he became upset over? Because I feel like that kind of goes into whether or not it’s justified or not. Maybe it was self-defense. Our friends over at Kel-Tec, the Kel-Tec PR57, the 57, the Kel-Tec PR57, the numbers. I’m just reading the numbers. I’m so excited to get my hands on this. I don’t have mine yet. I just got one of my new KSG’s. And I’m really excited about this one because, first off, I love the 5.7 caliber. But it’s not really something that’s practical for me to carry and for a lot of people, not just me, for a lot of people out there. Well, that was until Caltech decided to innovate more and change the game again. And now we’ve got to get this one. The MSRP is only $300. What was it? Yeah, $399. So it’s like super, super affordable. And it’s the lightest and the thinnest 5.7 that’s out there. It’s 40% lighter than the next 5.7, the Caltech PR57 rotary barrel pistol. Now, they do this in two ways. They have the innovator rotary barrel pistol. that helps to make it super light. But they also have this very unique top-loading design. So you can say clip with us, and it’s actually correct because they got rid of the traditional magazine. So they use stripper clips for a slimmer carry profile and 20-plus-1 capacity. Built to perform when it matters most. Super low recoil. Quickest and easiest field strip available. And again, MSRP $399. Super affordable. Visit CaltechWeapons.com to learn more about the PR-57 Rotary Barrel Pistol Chambered M5. It’s innovation, performance, and all Kel-Tec. That’s keltecweapons.com, K-E-L-T-E-C weapons.com. Tell them Dana sent you.
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Lincoln Tech provides career training that keeps America working. At Lincoln’s Queens campus, you don’t just sit in a classroom. You train in fully equipped labs, work with industry-leading technology, and learn the skills that hiring managers are looking for. With personalized support and connections to top employers, your future in fields like automotive technology and electrical electronics start the day you enroll. Visit lincolntech.edu for details to schedule a campus tour.
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It’s Gabriel Iglesias on his all-new Don’t Worry, Be Fluffy World Tour.
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I like doing the voices in places where people can’t see me, like drive-thrus. Oh, I’m evil at a drive-thru, man, except the one by my house, because they know me. How can I help you? Yeah, let me have… Pull up.
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I did an order. Gabriel, pull up. Friday, April 4th, Total Mortgage Arena.
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Tickets on sale now at fluffyguy.com.
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Don’t miss them, Bridgeport. Don’t Worry, Be Fluffy World Tour.
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Welcome to the program. Dana Lash with you, top of this third hour. And you can listen coast to coast. Channel 347, DirecTV is the simulcast. The chat’s at rumble. I’m trying to wrap my head around this story that broke while we were on air, and it’s out of the Atlantic. Now, and because most of our tax dollars paid for these stories already for the creation of them through USAID, go to removepaywall.com for any article that’s behind a paywall, and you can get right around it. I didn’t find that. You didn’t hear that from me. So the article consists of… Now, this is why I’m looking at this. It’s Jeffrey Goldberg. I’m not a big Jeffrey Goldberg fan for a number of reasons. Jeffrey Goldberg is asserting in his piece that the Trump administration accidentally included him in a group on Signal, which is like a messaging app, And that discussed their military strikes in Yemen. And he didn’t think it was real, he said, and then the strikes happened. And he says that he was added on March 15th and apparently got the first message from Michael Waltz, who Michael Waltz is the name of Trump’s national security advisor. And he does his best. I think he, he, I don’t know. He’s got to be careful because he’s uns, he, he doesn’t go right out and say, these are the exact people, but apparently like, um, he’s, for instance, this is what he writes. He said, um, A message to the group from Michael Waltz read as follows. Team, establishing principals group for coordination on Houthis, particularly for over the next 72 hours. My deputy, Alex Wong, is pulling together a tiger team at deputies agency, chief of staff level, following up from the meeting in the sit room this morning for action items, et cetera. And he adds, please provide the best point of contact from your team for us to coordinate with the next couple of days and over the weekend. And they’re talking about the senior most NatSec people, right? The director of the CIA, all of it. Now, Goldberg goes, it should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. I’ve never been invited to a White House principals committee meeting in my many years of reporting on national security matters. And I’ve never heard of one being convened over a commercial messaging app. He said a minute later, and this is his piece. A person identified only as M.A.R., the secretary of state is Marco Antonio Rubio, wrote Mike Needham for state designating the current counselor for the State Department as his representative. So they’re they’re they’re the names that follow are the people who are going to be the points of contact for, you know, the state, the secretary of state or SECDEF, etc., Mike Needham for state. The other one identified as J.D. Vance wrote Andy Baker in for the VP. One minute after that, T.G., presumably Tulsi Gabbard, said Joe Kent for DNI. A little after that, Scott B. for apparently Scott Besant. Dan Katz for Treasury. A user called Pete Hegseth wrote Dan Caldwell for DOD. Brian, a man named Brian, wrote Brian McCormick for NSC, etc., And he said the principals had apparently all assembled, 18 listed as members of the group, including various national security officials, Steve Witkoff, the Middle Eastern Ukraine negotiator, Susie Wiles, the White House chief of staff, and someone identified only as SM, which could mean Stephen Miller. And he said, I appeared on my own screen only as JG. And that was the end of the Thursday text chain. And then he said he got a stranger that the text they were talking about, like their operations. in this. And I’m not going to read the whole piece. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility. I just am always, I always have a healthy skepticism when dealing with the press. However, I do think that this is kind of one of the issues with doing things digitally at this level. Because when you type someone’s name and especially for like signal. when you’re going to create a group and signal is used by a lot of people in the press and government and et cetera, uh, for heightened security. I don’t know that it actually provides heightened security because you can set messages to delete. But if you ever get in trouble, uh, with a lawsuit, I mean, you, you, you have to be able, especially if like you’re, uh, you have to preserve communications. You can find yourself in some serious issues if you don’t preserve communication. So that can get a little hairy. Um, but they’re trying to say like, what are the encryption and all of that makes it whatever. So a lot of people use it. This is kind of a problem. When you’re filling out or when you are inviting people to a group discussion, it will, you know, you write J in there and it’ll pull up all your contacts that have J in. So you could just, I mean, it could just literally be just a simple slip of the thumb user error and you add the wrong person in. And then you should always obviously double check whom you’ve added in. Clearly, if this is how it went, then that wasn’t done. And- He gets into everything over the next couple of days in the Signal Channel. Like, for instance, he said, the first detonations in Yemen would be felt two hours hence at 1.45 p.m. Eastern time. He says, I waited in my car in a supermarket parking lot. If the Signal Chat was real, I reasoned, Houthi targets would be bombed. At 1.55, I checked X and searched Yemen. Explosions were being heard across Sauna, the capital city. I went back to the Signal Channel. At 1.48, Michael Waltz had, in quotes, had provided the group an update. He says, I won’t quote from this text except to note that he described the operation as an amazing job. A few minutes later, quote unquote, John Ratcliffe wrote, a good start. Not long after, quote unquote, Waltz responded with three emoji, a fist, an American flag, and fire. Other people, including Marr, wrote in, good job, Pete and your team. Wiles texted, kudos to all those in theater and sitcom, etc. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he’s, there’s like screenshots and all kinds of stuff. So is it real? I can’t imagine that he would make this up. Kane, because it’s a real weird thing to make up, especially for something that happened already. And there’s not I don’t know if it is.
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And I’m looking at, you know, some of the language being used in some of this abbreviations, acronyms, things like that. It does kind of give it some credibility here.
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If this happened in the way that it did, wow. That is a massive communications error, obviously. I can’t… I mean, was it done accidentally? I mean, a major, major security failure. I don’t know. I mean, there’s… the, the article has already, the article ran to, I mean, just a little, little bit ago. And that’s the other reason as weird as the timing is, that’s to me a reason that would make me consider the validity of it because it’s far after the point at which it could have been used to compromise any objective. And I just, um, He doesn’t editorialize in the piece the way that I have come to expect and have read from a lot. And I’m not saying I like Jeffrey Goldberg. Don’t mistake me for the love. But I’m trying to figure out, A, if it if it legitimately happened the way they said it did and be the motive. Like what’s the you know, just like as a way to embarrass the administration, make them think that, oh, they brought in a lot of outsiders. You should trust her because the left loves to plant seeds of distrusting only conservative administrations or Republican administrations rather. Do you think it’s real? How do you text people like and then you’re using emoji? I don’t know. It happens, though. I mean, that’s… And they have these points of contact represented in their offices.
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Imagine feeling protected because you’re using Signal.
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Right. And then you accidentally include a journalist. Right.
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And so I was looking, I’m like, who has the initials JG? No, I know, but in Trump’s cabinet, who they mistook as adding to this list. And I can’t find many people.
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Unless it’s just like another staffer, like, you know, in DOD or… uh like maybe a press i don’t know but that’s very interesting very very interesting so this ran at the atlantic and they and apparently the everything happened and he wanted to wait and see if the strikes happened when they said they would but the headline is the trump administration accidentally texted me its war plans i i for i think the editorialization comes in the headline that not necessary that’s not necessarily goldberg’s headline because usually with a lot and i’m not defending anyone i’m telling you how it is Obviously, the Atlantic is very left and their editors are the ones who headline pieces. Yes.
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I wonder if this is it because National Security Council for the White House is Joshua Geltzer, JG. And I wonder if that’s how Goldberg accidentally got it.
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Ooh, they got to be careful with us. They have to be so careful with us. this is, I mean, I don’t think that there’s any, I mean, it’s, it’s a massive security failure and there’s a lot of problems with us. Do I think that it complicates anything after the fact? I don’t really think so. I think that they need to be obviously way more careful going forward, but man alive. I mean, how do you just like, you don’t double check. You got to double check stuff. And a lot of people are saying it’s not a sound source. No, I agree with you. Believe me, I’ve been at this way longer. I’m not saying that to be ignorant. I’m just saying that you cannot ever hope to attempt to match my level of hatred or cynicism for the legacy press. However, the way that this was rolled out lends more to the validity of it than not. We just got to be careful. And I don’t think that they need to be using Signal. I don’t think they need to be using, I don’t know, right? I just feel like when you’re at that level, you need, I want, where’s your special James Bond phone? What the hell do my taxes pay for? Yes. My taxes don’t pay for studying fat lesbians or paying for trans stuff in the Middle East. I expect there to be the existence of James Bond phones that can only talk to other people that are in the James Bond phone thing.
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And only when you’re in the cone of silence.
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Right? But you’re telling me that they’re just, let me get on my Apple phone, signal. What in the world? Don’t get a false sense of security with a lot of these apps because they’re also only as private as… as a subpoena. So just be careful with that stuff. We have more on. I’m just reeling over this story. Gold prices have surged over 40% since January 2024, consistently reaching new highs. According to Goldman Sachs research, the upward trend is expected to persist due to strong demand from central banks. It’s stuff like this that’s made me take action and why I’ve bought precious metals like gold and silver. I partnered with a great company that makes it super easy to buy. Easy, transparent, and simple. And that company is Goldco. They’re a huge supporter of this show, and they’re the best at what they do. And right now, you can get a free 2025 gold and silver kit jam-packed with critical information about buying precious metals. It was a huge help, not just for me, but to all of you if you do this. And for my audience, you could also qualify for up to a 10% instant match in bonus silver. It’s a really great deal. So don’t miss out. Visit danalikesgold.com to learn more. That’s danalikesgold.com.
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It’s Gabriel Iglesias on his all-new Don’t Worry, Be Fluffy World Tour.
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I like doing the voices in places where people can’t see me, like drive-thrus. Oh, I’m evil at a drive-thru, man, except the one by my house, because they know me. I’m going to help you. Yeah, let me help.
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Pull up. I did an order. Gabriel, pull up. Friday, April 4th, Total Mortgage Arena.
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Tickets on sale now at fluffyguy.com.
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Don’t miss them, Bridgeport. Don’t Worry, Be Fluffy World Tour.
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And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It’s time for Dana’s Quick Five.
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So I have several questions. So this is Blenheim Palace, the country mansion where Churchill was born. Isn’t it like one of the big Churchill family seats? The Spencer. Anyway, so they said that I don’t know why, but they had a golden toilet there, literally 18 carats. It was they said it was a work of art insured for five million pounds. I’m sorry. It looks like a legit working toilet. I don’t know what else to tell you. But they said that a thief swiped it. How does one swipe? a large, isn’t gold heavy, 18-carat gold toilet. How do you swipe that?
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With friends or equipment?
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Yeah. Oh, it is useful. Apparently, one of the guys, the dude, I guess, who owns the place, the pile, the country pile, said that it’s splendid to use it, but someone literally stole. That means they had to unhook it, and they think it was cut up and sold.
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Is it solid gold or just… 18-carat.
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18-carat gold. That’s just so gaudy. And I mean, I love maximalism. Don’t get me wrong, but like everything else should match, you know, like you, what is with this bathroom? And then just the, just, I mean, if you’re looking, there’s one showing you the photo. You can’t have a toilet like that in this kind of bathroom with just like the basic, you know, it looks like a doctor’s bathroom.
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I prefer my toilets to be 24K.
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If you’re going to go like maximalist, like go maximalist, don’t go halfway. Vitamin T is the latest vacation trend for travelers. The T stands for travel. Ha ha ha. They call it vitamin T. I would love some vitamin T right now. I came right. Vitamin T. I think the whole show needs vitamin T. The audience does, too. Let’s bring them with us. Everybody has vitamin T. So everybody says that, you know, vacationing leads to longer, healthier lives. I think taking time off. I mean, I think it helps if you can leave, but if not, just taking time off is also helpful. Two illegal immigrants in scuba gear were arrested trying to cross the Rio. Now, this is actually I got to give, you know, points for creativity, but it’s not like you’re difficult to see, though. They had two people wearing wetsuits and carrying scuba diving equipment. They were trying to cross the Rio on Lawfully Thursday and. Eagle Pass PD responded after they were easily spotted in a residential neighborhood. So they’re in the water, poorly scuba diving. And everyone’s like can see them in the water and point at them. They were two guys from Guatemala and they were turned over to Border Patrol for processing. New Yorkers are scrambling for free eggs. I don’t know. Apparently people were lining up that in New York to get one of a dozen free eggs, I guess. But what kind of eggs? Are they pasture raised? Because pasture raised has been the chickens are out in the field and they’re happy.
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Vaccinated eggs.
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Yeah, I like the pasture free, the pasture, you know, whatever, etc. Free eggs, things. That’s what I like. They say, I think I just need chickens. I need some more pets is what I need. A child fended off a would-be abductor with a pencil. If it was in New Jersey, that’s why. Because it was a New Jersey kid. That’s why. A child told police that she was nearly abducted while walking to school Wednesday morning in Camden County. Berlin Township said that the child reported the incident after arriving at school. It happened about a quarter to nine in the Washington and Grove Avenues. The eight-year-old said an unknown man approached her from behind, tried to abduct her. She fought him off with a pencil and ran away. She thinks she stabbed him. In the face. So he may have a facial injury. She was not injured. They are looking for the suspect. Detectives say that he was wearing black clothes and has a baseball cap on. Security protocol has been implemented. But that little girl is amazing. Stabbed a baddie in the face with a pencil. I’m telling you, right? They need to be recruiting her right now. The Disney reboot, we talked about this. The theaters are empty. Did it come out over the weekend? It came out over the weekend. Empty theaters. Nobody wants to go see this woke trash. And they said they this was after a very controlled week of press where they didn’t have a big red carpet opening, which they were planning on doing with this film. They actually ended up going to like some castle somewhere in Spain and they flew her the Rachel Zegler, whatever girl they flew her out there. And talked with, I guess, like some of their select VIPs. I guess some of their more hardcore Snow White fans. And she’s been trying to ingratiate herself back, I guess, with the Snow White fandom. Is there one? I don’t know. Maybe. And this, of course, came after she was complaining about white executives questioning whether or not she could play Snow White. She just doesn’t shut up. I think she hates this movie. I kind of feel like she hates it. If you thought the movie was creepy in the first place, why did you… Oh, because you’re thirsty and you wanted a starring role. That’s why. So you just sold out your principles then, right? I don’t know. I don’t know what Tin Head’s thinking here with us, but I will say that I think she’s ended her career. I think this actress has ended her career. Just do the film. You know what you’re signing up for. Do the film. Of course, Peter Dinklage, who’s not even in the movie, messed it all up. And he got all of the other… like the LPCs, the little people community, he got it right. He got all the, everybody in the LPC to get mad at him because he was costing them jobs. And that was a couple of years ago. This movie has been plagued by drama since it started. If I was a producer or director of this film, I think I would have offered myself. I could not have dealt with this kind of chick drama, this woke chick drama. And just think of it. I mean, you don’t have many P the, the, Company that put this in because of all the wokery. So you have a bunch of little people, actors that just got roles ripped away from them. You’ve got I mean, you’re you’re tanking it. I don’t even know if anybody’s going to buy this merch. Think of all the other stuff that’s associated with a movie like this. Like you have the merging opportunities, not to say anything of like any kind of sequels or whatever. But usually there’s like what a cartoon that they’ll usually do based around the main actress, which I don’t think they’re going to do with this. There’s I mean, the merch. No one wants to buy any of this chick’s merch. Nobody wants this. Gal Gadot just went in and they only they were trying to say that it was controversial with Gal Gadot, too, except there was no controversy with her. It was just that she literally existed. You know, she’s Israeli. And some people they were they were trying not to. It was a difficult thing for them to do. And then this Rachel Zegler chick was like putting up like free Palestine. And didn’t she like she was like born and raised in the United States. She has no idea of struggle. And she thought that she could like, I guess, lecture on Instagram and in her stories, Gal Gadot on the Israeli Gaza conflict. Seriously, like Gal Gadot literally served in the IDF. Shut up. She just is insufferable. I don’t like to cheer for the end of people’s career, but I would be happy if I never saw this chick in another film again. It’s just, it’s insufferable. She’s an energy vampire. Even reading a story about her, you’re like, oh my gosh, I’m just, I’m so tired. I just read about that. Oh, did you read a Rachel Zegler story? I did. She’s exhausting. She’s exhausting, right? Nobody wants to go see this movie. They could have done it really cool. They could have done a real gothy version of it, you know? And they just decided to ruin it. And I’m sorry, she’s not pretty enough to play Snow White. And I think it’s okay to say that. Because Snow White literally was about how pretty you are. The whole thing is who’s prettier. It’s a who’s prettier girl off. That’s the whole movie. And you have Gal Gadot. Gal Gadot. In what space alien Martian weird dimension is she the ugly one? Right. And then you’ve got Rachel Zegler, who you’ve got to be a hell of a lot prettier to run your mouth like that in a role like this. You have to. And that’s not me being mean. I think a certain, I mean, you just know you can’t.
SPEAKER 09 :
Thanks for tuning in to today’s edition of Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven’t already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
SPEAKER 03 :
Lincoln Tech provides career training that keeps America working. At Lincoln’s Queens campus, you don’t just sit in a classroom. You train in fully equipped labs, work with industry-leading technology, and learn the skills that hiring managers are looking for. With personalized support and connections to top employers, your future in fields like automotive technology and electrical electronics start the day you enroll. Visit lincolntech.edu for details to schedule a campus tour.
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