Angie Austin transitions the conversation towards parenting with special guest Katie Millar-Wierig, author of Becoming a Mean Teen Parenting Machine. Together, they explore effective strategies for handling emotional outbursts in teenagers, bringing insights from both personal experiences and expert advice. The meaningful dialogue highlights the significance of staying grounded as a parent to better support emotional growth in teens.
Welcome to The Good News with Angie Austin. Now, with The Good News, here’s Angie.
SPEAKER 04 :
Hey there, Angie Austin here with The Good News, along with my good friend Jim Stovall, author, speaker, movie maker, talking about his Winner’s Wisdom column. And this week, the title is Respect Your Elders. Welcome, Jim.
SPEAKER 03 :
Hey, it is great to be with you, as always.
SPEAKER 04 :
All right, so what are you teaching us this week about respecting our elders?
SPEAKER 03 :
Well, here in our Western culture in America, we have a tendency to promote and celebrate everything that is youth-oriented. And young people are great for cutting-edge technology, enthusiasm, energy. That’s great. But older people have wisdom, experience, and just that kind of perspective you cannot replace. And in Asia, they have a tendency to… to celebrate elders more than we do. And I think the combination is the best of both worlds. Through the Stovall Center for Entrepreneurship, I work with a lot of college kids who are getting their degrees in entrepreneurship, and they have great ideas and tremendous knowledge, but they’re lacking wisdom. wisdom is usually gained from making a mistake. You touch the hot stove, and now I’ve got it. I’m not touching the hot stove again. And that’s the most basic form of wisdom. The higher and better form of wisdom is somebody tells you, Angie, don’t touch that stove, and if you get it. And once we learn to take advice from people that have what we want, then we can have amazing lives. But One of my favorite, there’s an African proverb that says, when an elder dies, a library burns to the ground. And we have a tendency to discount parents and grandparents and elderly people in our community, and they know so much and they have so much perspective and wisdom that we don’t.
SPEAKER 04 :
I think that some cultures really are brought up to, you know, revere their elders and, you know, really admire them and seek them out for, you know, advice and wisdom. And maybe not so much ours.
SPEAKER 03 :
Correct. Correct. And I live here in Oklahoma. We have a lot of Native Americans here. And in that culture, you know, they traditionally look more to their elders and elders. And we, you know, unfortunately, some of us don’t as much. And it’s great to be reminded of, you know, all the things they know and all the things they have done. And I had a tremendous experience. I was writing a book about the 20th century and I was telling my father. you know, I’m looking for someone that lived in three centuries, the 1800s, the 19 and made it to 2000. He said, is there something wrong with your great aunt Lena? And I said, well, no, I never thought of her. And well, wow, here was this woman who was born in 1897 and she lived till 2002. And I spent a couple of days with her and, you know, she was 103 years old and, and, uh, I was going to say she’s as lucid as you and I, but probably way ahead of both of us. But her perspective was amazing. I mean, she remembered her parents reading in the newspaper when the Wright brothers flew. And she was a teenager when the Titanic sank. And just these amazing, amazing revelations. She came to Missouri in a covered wagon and sat and watched the Men walk on the moon in our life. And that’s just a tremendous wealth of information. And unfortunately, so few people take advantage of it.
SPEAKER 04 :
Wow. I mean, what an experience. Were there anything, any things that stood out besides what you just mentioned, just words of wisdom or things that had changed for her over the years or things she learned that she shared with you?
SPEAKER 03 :
Well, when I ask her, what are your fondest memories? What were the best days of your life? You know, they weren’t, you know, the trip to Europe or her cruise she went on or all these things. She said those were nice. But it’s, you know, afternoons with friends, sitting on my porch watching the leaves, reading a great book. And she said, so what I learned is I can have a great day any day I decide to.
SPEAKER 04 :
Wow.
SPEAKER 03 :
And I thought, you know, wow, we keep thinking that’s external and we hope we’re going to have a great day. And she redefined for me what a great day was and realized I can have one anytime I want.
SPEAKER 04 :
You know, the Harvard study that you and I have spoken about, about, you know, having connections and, you know, what leads to true happiness. And it was about the big thing that we learned out of the book was and the study from Harvard over decades of time and people that they followed for decades. year after year after year, and families that they followed. It was relationships and connections. That’s what really led to true happiness, not the yacht per se or, like you said, the trip or whatever. So I’ve made a point the last few weeks of reaching out to people that I really love. One person, he was an on-air talent at the station I worked at here in Denver. And then he was let go by our station and he said, you know, I’m just not going to hang it up. I’m not going to do these gardening tips on TV anymore. And I said, well, go to other stations just because, you know, our boss doesn’t, you know, you’re not his cup of tea or he can’t afford you or whatever. That doesn’t mean, you know, other people can’t. Well, it’s been about 20 years since that happened. And he’s still at the number one station in town. He’s been there at that particular station since he left. And he helped me with my wedding and did my flowers and dedicated one of his books to me. But we haven’t seen each other like in person for, I’d say, 10 years. And so we, you know, exchange funny things on Facebook and this, that, and the other. And so I said, hey, you know, you’re so popular on Facebook. Do you know about Instagram and how many people have followers on Instagram that have expertise like yours? But like, you know, you’ve run, you know, huge gardens. You’ve written so many books and you put these gardens together at your home every year that people follow and you have interns volunteer and come out and help you. You need to share that knowledge. He’s like, would you like to come over? And would you like to take some pictures and help me get started? I’m like, yes. So then I thought, well, let’s just reach out to like some of my other really good friends, you know, my cousin that I haven’t seen in six months or a year. And my high school girlfriend that just ran, I just met with them over the weekend and, um, We hadn’t seen each other probably since just before or during COVID. So anyway, I said to them, you know, part of the reason I planned this lunch with you guys is because I’ve been talking on the air with my friend Jim Stovall and also reading the book about the Harvard study. And happiness is really about connections. And so I’ve really been making the effort, Jim, because I’m not a – I’m not a really like get outside of my house and plan things kind of person. I’m perfectly happy to walk the few acres I have with my dogs and even not even walk around the neighborhood. I’m perfectly happy not to make a plan to like go to some big charity event or some big event or whatever. I’m not really like a big, huge social person. But when I do those things with people I love, it just is amazing. You know, I’m very funny, Jim. So like when I get together with my friends. We laugh a lot.
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, I can imagine. Yes, I can imagine. Yes, Angie is like a day at the circus. Yes, I get this.
SPEAKER 04 :
But those connections. Oh, and one thing my girlfriend said. So she’s remarried. She had a horrible breakup. She moved to Ireland. She sold all of her things. She rented out her condo that she’d had for years. And then it ended up that the relationship, the marriage ended badly, like badly. Probably as bad as it can end, Jim. So she’s got to come back with none of her stuff because how do you ship that all back from, you know, Ireland like overnight? It’s a big deal. And her place was rented out. And so we apparently had lunch. And apparently I said to her, she goes, you know, I’ll never forget this, Angie. We met and you said, you know, you will have to forgive him someday for you. And she said, when you told me that, I said, there’s no way I’m ever going to forgive him. And she said, here, you know… all these years later I did. And it’s been life changing for me. And I have no animosity. I’m friends with his family. I take trips with his daughter. His daughter came to my wedding to her new husband. And she said, and we speak on the phone and he apologized. And he said he could never forgive himself. And I said, I forgiven you. I want you to be happy. So here I’d shared this with her all these years ago, these connections that we talk about that lead to happiness. They really do, but you’ve got to make the effort.
SPEAKER 03 :
Oh yeah. And there are people that, uh, I have a birthday coming up later this summer, and one of the things I’ve enjoyed for the last 27 years is I exchange birthday greetings every year with Tony Bennett. I met him years and years ago, well, 27 years ago, and I was doing an interview in New York, and he was taping a TV show, so I had to wait a while, long story short. He’s at the Rainbow Room, and they said, you know, if he takes a break and has time, you can have the interview. So finally, after six or seven hours, he comes over and says, wow, I am so sorry. Do you still want to do the interview? I said it would be the greatest birthday present for me. He said, so me doing an interview with you is supposed to be my birthday present? I said, no, sir, it’s my birthday today. He said, it’s mine, too. And we realized we have the same birthday. So I will never forget. He had his whole orchestra there and Ralph Sharon, his conductor that plays the piano. And he said, Ralph, happy birthday to us in this key of D. And Tony Bennett sang happy birthday to us. And it was just so amazing. And we’ve exchanged those every year. But the wisdom he has, he’ll be 97 this year. And the wisdom he has… I said, so you’ve done this show so many times. You sing I’ve Left My Heart in San Francisco 10 million times. How do you keep that new? And he said, Jim, when I was just a kid, a teenager, before anybody had ever heard of Tony Bennett, I begged, borrowed, and stole enough to go get a back row seat to go see Al Jolson. And it changed my life to see Al Jolson. And every time before I walk on stage, I just tell myself, somebody’s getting ready to hear Al Jolson tonight. And he said, and so, you know, maybe my 10,000th time, but somebody’s here, this is their first show. And so that’s the kind of thing we get from our elders that you just can’t get anywhere else, Angie.
SPEAKER 04 :
You know, I was reading in your column, too, about, and that’s pretty cool. I mean, not many people get to exchange birthday greetings with Tony Bennett. I was reading in your article, as we’re talking about respecting our elders, about the ultimate gift in the movie, which was so well received all those years back, your first of, what, nine now. You said there was like a groundswell of investment advisors and estate planners. So explain how that fits into your honor your elders column.
SPEAKER 03 :
Well, because of that movie, and that movie was about a grandfather that wants to pass on his wisdom to before he makes him an instant billionaire. So it’s what it was about. Well, because of that, financial planners, estate planners, and families of extreme wealth have had me in for years. And I come to family reunions and I talk to three or four generations of them. And one of the things I want to make sure they understand is you don’t pass along your valuables until you’ve passed along your values. Giving a kid the kind of money we’re talking about here is like giving a toddler a loaded gun. This is dangerous. So you have to protect them from that. But one of the things I want the kids to know is what did Grandma and Grandpa do to earn that money? And how did that happen? Because all you’ve seen is the wealth your whole life. And that’s not your fault. We’re not going to blame you for that. But I want you to understand where it came from and what Grandma and Grandpa did and sacrificed so that now… You know, you can sit here and have this, and it’s not just you won the lottery. It’s you have a responsibility, and what are we going to do with this? And, you know, so those are the kind of things we talk about is I want them to get the values in addition to just the valuables.
SPEAKER 04 :
Okay, so say that again. Don’t get caught up. Don’t get one before they say it again.
SPEAKER 03 :
Yeah, don’t ever give anybody your valuables, your money, your resources, your property. Don’t ever leave anybody anything without them having your values, without them understanding where this came from and what I expect you to do with it. Because some of these people, they’re receiving life-changing money for millions and millions of dollars. And I want them to understand where it came from. and what their grandparents’ expectation of them is, that they’ll have a good life, but they’ll use it to make themselves better and make the world better around them and find a cause that matters. And what are you going to do with this?
SPEAKER 04 :
Well, you’re so blessed, Jim, because you have taught me so much. So when I receive that inheritance, I rest assured that you have passed on so much wisdom.
SPEAKER 06 :
JimStoval.com. Oh, I love you, friend. You’re the best. You’re welcome.
SPEAKER 02 :
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SPEAKER 04 :
Glendale, thanks for tuning in to KLTT, the mighty 670. Hey there, friend. It’s Angie Austin here with the good news. Always a pleasure, a blessing to talk to Katie Millar-Wierig. She is the author of Becoming a Mean Teen Parenting Machine, a step-by-step guide to transform your relationship with your teenager. And I’ve got three of them. And Katie, you’ve got your hands full as well, don’t you?
SPEAKER 07 :
Yes, I do. It’s a lot of fun, but man, it is a handful.
SPEAKER 04 :
Well, I thought about our Father’s Day dinner the other day, and I thought about, you know, kind of just some of the outbursts, you know, apparently the either the 14 year old or the 18 year old, like the 18 year old said the 14 year old stuck her ears out insinuating that he had big ears. So then he put his fingers on the tip of his nose and wiggled it to tell her that she had a big nose. And then they were going back and forth at the table. And of course, my husband’s irate because the 18 year old is going to be a senior. We’re like, you’re you’re legally an adult now, like really with the nose thing in the ear thing. Really? And so, you know, when they were getting into it, I whispered to my husband. I told my friends this, too. I whispered to my husband, are we raising a bunch of jerks? You know, and then it did get better. You know, like the meal got better. And we talked about all the things that they’re working on that we’re proud of and, you know, how they all have grit and this, that, and the other. But it started off, let’s say, it was definitely rough, you know. And so… They have these emotional outbursts. And I know on page 97 of your book, I was reading handling emotional outbursts with intentional parenting because I don’t think I’m that good at this. So let’s talk about that with our kids in these outbursts, especially when they’re teens. It’s like they have fireworks in their brains.
SPEAKER 07 :
Exactly. And I think, you know, first, before we start, it’s important to understand what an emotional outburst is and how it differs from like a normal conflict or teasing within a family home. Like what you explained for your father’s day meal is emotional. And unfortunately, very common interaction for all of us within our homes where it’s just kind of an interpersonal, you know, conflict going on where kids are teasing each other and mom and dad are getting frustrated. And those things are happening all the time. And I think, you know, you guys putting your foot down and those sorts of things are totally fine. And emotional…
SPEAKER 04 :
And let me say one thing. My middle one has, I know, just a, I mean, it is like you could look it up in the dictionary emotional outburst. She loses her marbles. And so I definitely know what you’re talking about, that it’s a different level.
SPEAKER 07 :
Yes, it’s like a dysregulation of their emotions. It happens often as teenagers and it happens often for us as adults as well. But it’s in a moment, one of my children explained that they feel like their emotions are eating them. It’s like a monster that’s eating them alive. And they’re like, I feel like I can’t, I’m being swallowed. That’s the word they use. They say, I’m being swallowed by it. And we all know that feeling where our emotions feel so big and we’re being swallowed by it. And usually when that happens, a child will act out in one of two ways. For many, it is a very angry and big outburst where they, where they lash out at people around them. And then the other way might be more of an internal way of dealing with it, which is a lot of crying, maybe a more depressed state or saying like, I don’t know a lot and just feeling a general sense of helplessness. And those are, those are just a sign that there’s a really strong emotional dysregulation. Now that being said, Teenage hood and childhood and even adulthood, but mostly in teenage hood is a time where we learn how to really deal with these complex emotions. And and our parents can either help us learn how to deal with these emotions or they can fuel the fire of make us feel more out of control and more swallowed by by all of this.
SPEAKER 04 :
That is a good visual, too, or understanding of it is my daughter says on the middle one that and she’s a really happy kid. But boy, when she turns, she turns quickly. But then she’s over it very quickly, too. But she says, I have anger issues. I can’t help it. And so I explained to her that, well, we can do things to improve that and we can’t just use it as an excuse for just blowing your top, you know, and being inappropriate emotionally around others. Because I think her friends sometimes are a little taken aback by how quickly her emotions turned or how angry she seemingly gets. Um, and that’s what she says that, um, you know, I can’t help it, but I think being swallowed by it, you know, um, It’s a good way to describe it to maybe help her understand how it’s feeling.
SPEAKER 07 :
Exactly. And I think we’ve talked about this briefly before. We’ve talked about anxiety or or any kind of issue. Control is a big issue for all of us. And so when our children feel like they’re being swallowed by some of these big emotions or even think about yourself, when you’re feeling like you are out of control and like your emotions are going to eat you alive, you want a steady constant thing that you know is in control that you can hold on to to say i am this is not going to take me down and so when we as parents match the level of out of control emotional dysregulation that our children feel it takes away that anger of feeling like this is This is, in fact, out of control. This is, in fact, unmanageable. I am unable to handle these emotions. And it gives them a sense, it strips their confidence of being able to handle it. And so the goal as a parent is to be able to identify when these emotional dysregulations and these outbursts are happening. And instead of matching the level by, you know, like yelling back and becoming emotionally out of control yourself, The goal is to step back and be kind of that balancing homeostasis that pulls it back down and says, you can be out of control. You can feel this way, but I’m not scared because I’m in control. And I believe that you can come back and get in control again. And that’s really the ultimate goal.
SPEAKER 04 :
I like that. And one of my girlfriends had said to me, a therapist, that when yelling starts, like listening decreases. And, you know, we definitely yell in our household or raise our voices. But I think that’s a good way to handle, you know, hope when she gets so out of control that, you know, that, you know, letting her know that she will be bringing it back and that, you know, she can experience those emotions, but that she does have some control over it.
SPEAKER 07 :
Yes. And with the yelling, I mean, especially for for when you’re feeling that out of control, you go into what’s called fight or flight. It’s a sympathetic nervous system response of making you feel like you need to fight or run away. And like I said, some kids will run away and that becomes more like the crying kind of thing or freeze. But other ones who are natural fighters in that situation, and that’s something that’s kind of innate and inborn within each of us. I know I’m a fighter. My husband’s a fighter. So that can be funny sometimes when we get into conflict because I’m more of a shut down, self-reflective, I want to just run away from the conflict. And he wants to, you know, respond in more of a fight mode. But with these kids who are fight mode, you will see yelling. And that is just a way for them to express that. Now, as a parent, what you can do when your child feels the need to yell, they’re being super disrespectful, you’ll want to shut it down and say, we need to revisit this. But if they’re just yelling like, I’m so bad at basketball and I can’t do anything, if it’s not necessarily directed at you, it’s more just them losing their control. Let them get that out. Let them just kind of yell that out. And you stay constant and steady. And instead of trying to stop them from the yelling or yelling over them, like, what are you talking about? Instead of that, let them say their piece. Try to just be emotionally, like, put on your game face. Try to stay as emotional as you can while they get that out. And then try to bring them back down to logic and also help them know, like, The things you said, if you do respond, sorry, this is a little bit just combobulated, but if you respond in a way that matches it, then it validates those emotions. You know, if they’re yelling about being sad, if you yell back at them, it kind of gives that idea validation. Instead, could you imagine if you were just calm and then after said, That is so surprising that you feel that way. I have never, ever felt like you were not talented at basketball. It would make them feel like, wait, am I am I misreading the situation? Because it feels like, oh, I’m not overreacting in a way that’s rude. But yes, I am overreacting and I might be misreading the situation. And so it’s just this this idea of trying to just stay constant for your kid and let them go up and down. But you stay at the steady baseline for them. So that they know that there’s control in every situation and that their emotions do not have to control them because they don’t control you.
SPEAKER 04 :
I like that. And the talking them down, try to as much as we can not elevate to their same decibel level or anger level.
SPEAKER 07 :
Yeah, for sure. And with that being said, there’s two really important things that you’ll need to do in these situations. The first is to, I call them knee-jerk reactions. So if your child comes in and tells you that they cheated on a test, your first reaction might be to yell at them and tell them how stupid they are and why would they do that, and they know that their family doesn’t do that. And that’s your knee-jerk reaction. If you can stop your own emotional response to it and instead ask a question like, why did you feel like you needed to cheat? Or, you know, did you not feel like you had enough time to study? And you’re just completely unemotionally asking questions. And that will help you determine better the underlying cause for the cheating and then what kind of consequence or punishment you should enact. Because it’s very different than a child being lazy, not studying, and then willfully wanting to cheat to a child who’s dealing with very, very high performance anxiety. So those sorts of things, if you can get down to that, that will help. So set aside those knee-jerk reactions. Try to set aside your own emotional response. Now, the second one goes alongside of that in that we as parents have a really hard time not getting defensive when these moments happen. We love our children so much and we take often what they do and their actions as a personal attack. And often our kids do make it a personal attack. They’re feeling insecure about something and they turn it back on us. And when they do that, it’s important for us as parents to be the bigger person and recognize that their insults or their misconception about the situation are more of a reflection on them than it is actually about us as parenting. Now, there may be good criticism within those words that are said that we can look at, but in the middle of the emotional outburst, if we become defensive and start to fight back in a way of defending ourselves, it will cause them to feel not validated, not like they’re heard, and that we’re not a safe place to talk them down because we are so concerned with how it’s going to affect us personally that they can’t share with us some of these things.
SPEAKER 04 :
You know, and this is like I’m totally being open with you here. I’m telling you right now, Katie, this is not one of my proudest moments. So my son was just being a stinker, and he sometimes can lose his temper, too, like all of a sudden. And it’s so shocking to me. And he was sitting on the stairs doing something, and I was telling him something that needed to be done or should have been done and everything. It was something to the effect of we don’t appreciate all he does or this, that, and the other because he’s running this business. He’s super busy. He’s very motivated. He gets up early, stays up late, and does this live feed where he sells his vintage stuff that starts every night at 1030. But he’s up early going to find his vintage stuff at all these different places. So anyway, to make a long story short, he just lost his marbles on me. I’m like, who does more for you than I do? And so I was cooking, and I put the pan down hard on the stove. Well, little did I know, because we’ve had this stove, this cooktop for, you know, five years, that it’s glass. And so I use those big black pans. And so it must I can barely lift it. Right. So when I, you know, when I put it down hard, it cracked the glass. Well, the new one is thirty five hundred dollars a new and they discontinued it. So when I called GE Repair, because this was two months ago, they don’t even make the cooktop anymore, which you could maybe buy for $1,500. So, Katie, every time we’re cooking, I go, see what anger did to mommy? Look what happened with that. Did mommy learn her lesson?
SPEAKER 06 :
And so we talk about it all the time because we haven’t been able to fix it. So now my son finally found me like a replacement one for, I don’t know, maybe $700. But it was a very expensive mistake that we’re reminded of daily because we can only cook on half of our cooktop. So it’s become like a family learning lesson, you know.
SPEAKER 07 :
Yes, and I love your humility and your willingness to use yourself as an example for your children because too often it’s, unfortunately, our children break the countertop and that child just gets berated over and over again. Look at what Amor does and so-and-so breaks it. So I commend you in being able to do that. That’s awesome. And I’m sorry about your countertop.
SPEAKER 06 :
Me too. All right, Katie, give us your website so we can find your books and find you and everything you do for teens and kids.
SPEAKER 07 :
For sure. So you can find me. My website is called the Anxiety Healing Program. So anxietyhealingprogram.com. From there, you can link to my books, to my programs. And then also you can follow me and reach out to me through Instagram at The Balanced Mind Project. Thanks so much, Angie, for letting me talk and enjoying your wonderful program.
SPEAKER 05 :
Well, thank you so much, Katie. It was a pleasure. Real blessing. Thank you.
SPEAKER 01 :
Thank you for listening to The Good News with Angie Austin on AM670 KLTT.
Angie Austin transitions the conversation towards parenting with special guest Katie Millar-Wierig, author of Becoming a Mean Teen Parenting Machine. Together, they explore effective strategies for handling emotional outbursts in teenagers, bringing insights from both personal experiences and expert advice. The meaningful dialogue highlights the significance of staying grounded as a parent to better support emotional growth in teens.
