In this episode, we cover the hysterically absurd, yet genuinely outrageous escapades of Florida’s eccentric citizens. From a desperate attempt to acquire illicit substances through Craigslist to the questionable choices that lead to extreme consequences, Florida Man’s actions never fail to astonish us. Amidst the chaos of these stories, we also touch upon some controversial human rights topics north of the border. Get ready for a rollercoaster ride of emotions and laughs!
Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast, sponsored by Kel-Tec.
SPEAKER 02 :
It’s his life mission to make bad decisions. It’s time for Florida Man.
SPEAKER 04 :
A Florida man trying to buy crack on Craigslist was arrested when an undercover deputy answered the ad. Holmes County Sheriff’s Office. Their investigators responded to the ad, posed as a seller, set up a meeting with the individual who had been identified as Anthony Mata. Deputies say that Mata negotiated to buy an eight ball of meth for 80 bucks. After finalizing the deal, the investigator met him at the agreed upon location. They exchanged money. Deputies moved in. Yeah, on Craigslist. That seems so sketchy. That’s so sketchy. And meth is bad. And these guys look like they’re in an old-timey movie. Just saying. Let’s see. I can’t read the dog story. Oh, my gosh. I don’t know. This guy, a Daytona Beach man, Douglas Matney, M-A-T-N-E-Y. Douglas Matney, M-A-T-N-E-Y. He looks exactly like a doucher looks. 21 years old. Charged with felony animal cruelty. He’s out of the Volusia County Branch Jail and $5,000 bond. He apparently shot a two-year-old black pit bull mix named Zola. And he shot the dog in the right cheek because the dog was aggressive during bath time. And they found the 55-pound dog with a bullet wound to his cheek, and it stopped in his abdomen. And he did not get medical attention for the pet. And the police said that the dog apparently had non-functional back legs and was uncontrollably urinating on itself. It was been a lot of pain in this guy. I want this. I want to scout this dude. I just that’s my own personal free speech opinion. I am not. You guys know what I think. Give me five. Oh, my gosh. Give me 60 seconds, please. For the love of all things holy and a locker room with this dude.
SPEAKER 02 :
How’s he out on five thousand dollars bond? That was my thing.
SPEAKER 04 :
I mean, that’s I know exactly. That’s just, you know, this guy’s. So, yeah, I hope he gets it. It’d be great if he had some prison time and if some prison justice befell him. I’m not saying that money would magically be deposited in the commissary of anybody who was maybe a part of it. But, you know, I’m maybe might be saying that. I don’t know. I’m pretty mayor of Kingstown about some of this stuff. So I don’t know. Anyway, so that I need a happy story now because that just makes me that makes me mad. That’s a horrible story. We could talk about this Florida dude who I don’t. Oh, gosh, these people. So this Florida dude, he was denied entry to a USAA building and he put on a helmet and drove his car right into the facility. Robert Beattie, 70, he went to the guard gate at the USAA office and demanded to be let inside. They said, not going to happen. So then he put on a helmet and drove right through the parking garage and through their fences. Two people in a marked security SUV tried to block him in, but then he reversed and struck their vehicle to create some space. He was on the third floor when they found him of the parking garage taken into custody. He got charged with two felony counts, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, one felony count of burglary of an occupied structure, felony count of criminal mischief, $1,000 or more. He got some more charges. Thankfully, nobody was injured. But, I mean, the fact that he went and put on a helmet, And then drove his car through. Yeah, I don’t know. Let’s see this. No, no, not doing that one. We could talk about the teacher from Port St. Lucie found naked N-E-K-K-I-D in an elementary school. Joe Urias faces multiple charges, including battery on a law enforcement officer. Somerset College Preparatory Academy. And apparently, according to Port St. Lucie, the 34-year-old Urias was found after police were dispatched to Windpoint Elementary School for a burglary in progress. When they arrived, they found him naked in the classroom among clothes, food, a laptop, drugs, and some private time accessories. I don’t know how else to say it. He reclosed himself and tried to run out of the building once he was discovered. But guess what? They got him. And then the cop that grabbed him was punched in the face. Urias was arrested, taken to St. Lucie County Jail. Wow, he’s got a lot of charges. Lewd behavior, burglary, possession of marijuana, battery law enforcement. I mean, he’s got a lot. He’s got a lot of charges. That’s all you need to know. There’s too much to read. He’s got a lot. And he’s going to be in major trouble. Trouble. Major, major trouble. It’s our friends over at Caltech, the P-15. It stands for 15 pews. Standard capacity. That might be a little bit more for the people who have weak arm muscles. I don’t know. But Kel-Tec is a great company, a Florida-based company, and they have a lifetime warranty on everything that they do. 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We just had a briefly in headlines. And thankfully, this is Canada and not the United States. But the headline is a town was fined because they refused to celebrate Pride Month. It’s a town of 1300 people. So it’s a small town, the town. Interestingly enough, it is named Emo. It’s in Ontario. And they violated the Ontario Human Rights Code that the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario established. And they said that their great offense. I mean, when you think that somebody violated, just pause for a minute. When you hear that somebody violated like some kind of human rights code, you think, wow. That sounds pretty serious, right? I mean, human rights? Super serious. What did they do? Oh, it says here that they, in the month of June, did not proclaim that month Pride Month. I’m sorry, what? Oh, and they also were cited because they had failure to fly an LGBTQ2 whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, rainbow flag. It’s a $10,000 fine, excuse me, and all of the officials in EMO are required to complete mandatory human rights training. See. Yeah, Cain, what’s your question?
SPEAKER 03 :
Who do they pay it to? Like the fine? I don’t know, the gays?
SPEAKER 04 :
I don’t know. The article doesn’t actually say.
SPEAKER 03 :
The city has to pay the city? Like, what?
SPEAKER 04 :
They got a fine. Ontario, maybe? Like the province of Ontario?
SPEAKER 03 :
So they chose not to celebrate.
SPEAKER 04 :
Well, it’s not that they didn’t celebrate. They just were like, we’re not going to put up these tacky flags. Right. Because they are tacky.
SPEAKER 03 :
But they didn’t celebrate to the standard of whoever’s criticizing them.
SPEAKER 04 :
Well, I mean, if your question is, did they have a parade and fly the flags and send everyone out in leather dominatrix gear with ball gags, like the gimp from Pulp Fiction, to go out and have like a full-on, you know…
SPEAKER 03 :
Painting pictures.
SPEAKER 04 :
A street festival of sexcapades. Then you’re correct. They did not do that. There were no street sexcapades celebrating pride over how you choose to do it behind closed doors.
SPEAKER 03 :
And that costs money.
SPEAKER 04 :
I mean, where’s the, like, you can have pride. Pride is a sin, by the way. So I think it’s ironic that they’re being fined for not celebrating literal sin, which is pride. But whatever. But why is that a thing? Like, why do you got, oh, if you didn’t fly the flag, you didn’t affirm how someone has to sex. It’s Canada, so they’re not going to fight it. They’re going to probably apologize and offer some maple syrup. I don’t know. The maple leaf people up there. Oh, hey, we’re so sorry. We forgot to fly the flag.
SPEAKER 03 :
But are they paying the federal government? Are they paying? Well, I don’t know.
SPEAKER 04 :
It’s probably Ontario. It’s probably I don’t know. It’s the Ontario people. I don’t know. I don’t know who these people are. The Canadians up there. They issue fines because somebody didn’t fly. The town was asked to fly the alphabet rainbow flag for a week of your choosing.
SPEAKER 03 :
I choose no weeks. There’s my choosing.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah. Yeah, you didn’t say I had to choose a week. So the language part is on you, Slick.
SPEAKER 03 :
I think there’s some legal wiggle room here.
SPEAKER 04 :
I mean, where are the straight people flags at? Right. Where’s that at?
SPEAKER 03 :
What do we get? It’s just the Canadian flag.
SPEAKER 04 :
I mean, I just don’t think that you’re going to be appropriating the rainbow, first off. That’s appropriation, and I was told that was wrong. So you’re appropriating the rainbow from the Christians. So let’s stop there. Let’s stop. That’s taken from Noah’s time. So come up with your own thing. We’ve got to have a straight person’s flag then. And then do you get like the straight person two, four spirit, whatever? Or what about the straight person flag and then don’t you get like an extra buff that goes along with it? Like spaghetti and meatballs, the straight person or this straight person can successfully eat edamame if it’s three beans in without having to take two bites. Like how particular does it get?
SPEAKER 03 :
I’m a medium rare steak flag.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, like the well-done people?
SPEAKER 03 :
Out.
SPEAKER 04 :
Get out. You can’t live in America. I don’t care if you were born and raised here six generations. We’ll deport you somewhere.
SPEAKER 03 :
Don’t bring that well-done flag over here.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, no well-done nothing. Well-done is only for jobs, not meat. So, I don’t know. Oh, so they said that there’s a group called the Borderland Pride Group. Which sounds like a bunch of terrorist twinks. I’m going to be honest with you. So I just love it. They’re very upset. They said in a single 12-month period, they did not see a single week where the flag was flown. They said that Emo ignored their repeated requests, so they got mad about it. And they said that they need to take Human Rights 101. I think I’m going to lead a human rights course. I’m going to offer it on the Internet. I’m going to offer a human rights course. So if someone offends you, you punch them. Joking. I just this stuff is so dumb. And then I get mad because I’m like, why didn’t I get into this? I would love to just fleece the left. Right. I could I could make it up and make up a company. Right. Go in there and I’m going to offer you human rights courses. Now, here’s the just make it ridiculous. And they’ll go along with it because they’re the left. They’re too terrified to be seen as going against the grain. They they the desire to be so homogenous has has killed any desire for individuality at all. So they they are terrified. They’re terrified to poke a head up. No, they got to go with it. So I feel like that would, you know, no one would ask anything, King, because then I could be like, are you assuming all of these things about me? What? And then, oh, no, they don’t want to be offended. And then we could also form an ancillary like Human Rights Council that we can cite people and then just pay ourselves. from the fines.
SPEAKER 03 :
It sounds like you’re trying to make government bigger.
SPEAKER 04 :
It sounds like I just came up with a damn great job, and that’s what it sounds like. Look, I’m a capitalist. If I can make money off of somebody’s stupidity like that on the left, I’m all for it. High fives. High five and all the angels. If you’re looking for a convenient, affordable way to access medications and treatments you can trust, All Family Pharmacy has you covered. Whether it’s the flu or parasites, cancer support, or general well-being… All Family Pharmacy’s online service makes getting the medications you need hassle-free. With All Family, it’s simple. You can choose the individual medications that best suit your needs or opt for one of their comprehensive treatment packages. designed to give you everything that you need in one convenient order. And every order comes with a doctor’s prescription included. Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or any other effective medications, they have it all. And you can get fast shipping with most order shipping in two to three business days. Medications start as low as $3 per capsule, making it really easy to take charge of your health without breaking the bank. No insurance needed. You can skip the paperwork and get the treatments you need directly. Stock up with their emergency preparedness bundles and access over 200 medications online anytime. Visit allfamilypharma.com slash Dana and use code Dana10 for 10% off of your entire order. That’s allfamilypharma.com slash Dana, code Dana10.
SPEAKER 03 :
And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It’s time for Dana’s Quick Five.
SPEAKER 04 :
I would say why yes. It was the Maple Seripians up to the north. The Maple Seripians. It was a rural town on the border of Ontario, Minnesota and Canada. It was fine for refusing to celebrate Pride Month in June. Yeah, you got to go out there and like sling the salami or something like that to celebrate. That’s what you got to do. You got to actually celebrate. I mean, how do you celebrate Pride Month? You just like physically have the sex in the streets. Like, what do you do? No, you put up rainbows. Shut up. God help me. You cannot have me in elected office. I would be arrested for assault like instantly. They said that the town of Emo, of course, it’s called Emo, Emo, Ontario. It violated the Ontario Human Rights Code. The town has a population of 1300 people, 1300 people, 1300 persons. What does that cost to not celebrate? We’re coming back to the story. We’re coming back to bookmark this because we are not even begun. Also, we had the story earlier. This UnitedHealthcare CEO, this dude was on his way to a conference. This was on Avenue of the Americas. I swear to you, I’ve stayed at this Hilton. I think I stayed at this Hilton for a book tour. So it’s right there. That’s what blows the mind. It’s right there in the middle of everything. It’s right by Rockefeller. It’s across from where Jimmy Fallon does his show. It’s a few blocks down from Fox. It’s right there in Midtown. And yeah, it’s at Hilton. And he apparently this guy 50 years old shot in the chest. It was 646 in the morning. He was arriving for a conference. He’s the CEO. So it’s like his conference. So he arrived and apparently this guy came up behind him in front of everybody and shot him in the chest. And then he got on one of those e-bikes. And went away. He had on a backpack. And, I mean, he looks like, I don’t know, it looks like a professional hit. That’s what they were saying. Like, this is like a hit. Like, this was not something that was by chance, like a chance criminal, whatever. So, they said that the Christmas tree lighting and all that stuff is apparently still expected to go on. Just everybody keep your heads on a swivel. Trump is going to visit Paris for the Notre Dame’s reopening for his first trip abroad. They’re going to be doing different things on different days, and he’s attending one of them. So did you hear about, I didn’t know that there was luxury cannabis. I mean, I guess you can have artisanal weed. You can have artisanal anything, right? But what makes it artisanal? I mean, it doesn’t get much more artisanal than growing in the sequoias with Bigfoots, right? Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Jay-Z had apparently a luxury cannabis company, which is funny to me. And it struggled to sell $50 joints. I’m sorry. Was it? Now, I don’t know how. Don’t make fun of me. Shut up. Does it come in like a carton like cigarettes? Do you get like a bunch of the joints or is it just like one carton?
SPEAKER 03 :
No, I mean, I guess you can buy several, but they don’t come in packs like cigarettes. There is a company that does them, and they make them look like cigarettes, but they’re actually… Or do people make their own? Yeah, no, people mostly roll their own, but they sell them in pre-roll.
SPEAKER 04 :
Sorry, do you do like a grape leaf, like with cigars, or is it just like cigarette paper? I’m curious. Yeah, it’s cigarette paper. Okay, so were these, I guess, pre-rolled? Right. Luxury joints. $50. Again, not knowing. I only know the hysterical stuff that I’ve ever seen with Cheech and Chong. I mean, I’m assuming they’re like that. $50 for one of them? How much does that get you? What are we talking about here?
SPEAKER 03 :
Cheech and Chong is shockingly real life.
SPEAKER 04 :
Oh.
SPEAKER 03 :
It’s real life.
SPEAKER 04 :
So you get one joint for $50? No. No. That’s what it says here. $50 for one of his luxury joints.
SPEAKER 03 :
I get that was their effort, but it didn’t work out, obviously.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, they lost half a billion dollars since they launched. How do you lose money on weed? If you do it stupid?
SPEAKER 03 :
Make it really expensive.
SPEAKER 04 :
This is like one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in my life. They act like they’re like, oh, Sean Carter’s a great businessman. Maybe, but not with this because I’m not even in the pot. And I could have told you you’re selling one little joint for $50. Are you stupid? It’s the luxury joint. What is it like? Do California condors talon roll it? Like, how does that work? Are there gold flakes that you smoke? What is it? Apparently, California has a tough legal pot market. I didn’t know that either. It’s wild. I love that everybody has to deal with bureaucracy. Like nobody, even the sin industries. I love it. They said that none of the retailers across California and Arizona, they don’t stock Jay-Z’s buds or joints on their online menus. Yeah. And they had, oh my gosh, this is Kamala level crazy, $575 million that they launched with. And now they’re in trouble. They said that Jay-Z’s monogram products are overpriced and underwhelming. Wow. And see, you never really get rid of the criminal element. They said California’s legal weed sector has been stymied by complex rules, high taxes, competitions from black market traders, wildfires, sliding prices. A lot of people have been pushed into insolvency. But they said that it was mind-boggling the amount of money that was pushed for this. I could have told you immediately that probably not going to work. You’re talking about luxury pot. People are broke. Everybody that is broke and the people who are going to be doing this are probably not going to be like the Jay-Z rich level people. They’re going to be people who think that smoking this makes them Jay-Z rich level. And now they can’t they can’t afford it because everybody’s broke because of the president Jay-Z endorsed. And his administration. So I can’t say that I feel sorry for him. I don’t. I just think it’s funny. Like, who thought that? You know what? We’re in a time of, it’s a lockdown. Let’s launch a luxury cannabis company and charge people $50 per joint. What else can you make luxury? Like artisanal weed. Are you going to do artisanal kefir, Cain? It’s pretty artisanal.
SPEAKER 03 :
I don’t know how much more artisanal you can make it. It’s pretty artisanal on its own. I don’t know. Glass bottles preserved from Quaker. I have no idea what you could do with it.
SPEAKER 04 :
Yeah, that sounds… During a time of inflation, I just don’t think that luxury stuff, especially starting any kind of luxury line, is going to make it take off.
SPEAKER 01 :
Thanks for tuning in to today’s edition of Dana Lash’s Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven’t already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
